You Can’t Outrun the Grizzly Bear

Two men were hiking around in the mountains when suddenly a giant grizzly bear reared up from the underbrush. The one hiker was terrified while the other hiker very calmly sat down on the ground, pulled off his hiking boots, got a pair of tennis shoes out of his backpack, and put them on. As he laced them up, the other hiker said, “What do you think you’re doing? You can’t outrun that grizzly bear. A grizzly can run thirty miles an hour, through the brush. There’s no way you can outrun the grizzly bear.”

The man stood up and said, “I don’t have to outrun the grizzly bear. I just have to outrun you.”

Now what would you do in that situation? Would you give the sneakers to your friend or would you save yourself.

My Kitten Just Killed Your Pit Bull

A man went over to his neighbor and said, “Excuse me. I’m really sorry but my kitten just killed your dog?”

The neighbor was aghast. “What? What do you mean your kitten just killed my dog?”

“Just that. She just killed your dog.”

“You’re telling me that your little kitten killed my pit bull that’s trained to eat anything smaller than a pony?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“I can’t believe this. Do you mind telling me how your little, itty-bitty kitten killed my ferocious pit bull?”

“Yeah, she got stuck in his throat.”

Sometimes little things can make big things happen.

Look for the Good

It’s so easy to find fault in others when you are looking for faults. On the other hand, it’s very easy to find the good in others when you are looking for the good.

Before TerriLu and I got married, I saw nothing but the good in her because that’s what I was looking for. When TerriLu and I got married, I started seeing many faults in her – insignificant, silly little things that really didn’t matter. But I found them because I was looking for them or at least I wasn’t looking for the good in TerriLu. And I was able to make mountains out of mole hills. She used to hang the shirts in the closet facing the wrong direction, she didn’t hang towels in the bathroom the same way I had been taught, and she didn’t vacuum the carpet in nice, straight lines. How immature and juvenile of me to see insignificant things that were hardly even there.

Now, after all these years of marriage and family life many of my rough edges have been rubbed off. Today I see only the good in TerriLu. Other than her choice in a husband I can’t think of one fault that she has. And I can hardly blame her for that one since I was on my best behavior trying to win her over. I definitely married above myself as most men do whether they realize it or not, but in all these years she has never pointed it out. She’s just sweetly lived with me while marriage slowly rubbed off some of my rough edges and my nit-pickiness.

Recognition and Treasures in Heaven

A husband stayed at home with the kids one afternoon while his wife went to a PTO meeting. He decided to surprise her by cleaning the house so while she was gone he scoured and scrubbed and vacuumed and laundered. When his wife got home she didn’t say anything about the house. All evening long he kept waiting for some comment but there was nothing. Finally, feeling very unappreciated, overlooked, neglected, and a little angry, he confronted her. “I worked all afternoon cleaning the house and you didn’t say thanks or even notice all my work.” She looked him straight in the eye and replied knowingly, yet unsympathetically, “Well, Dear, it’s kind of a thankless job, isn’t it?”

And it is, isn’t it?

Why is it just normal and expected if the wife does the work around the home, but it’s wonderful and exceptional if the husband does it?

During the first part of our marriage, when I would help around the house, I always had to point it out to Terri so she could then give me the strokes I needed. But I was very careful in how I said it so it wouldn’t sound like I was seeking recognition. Instead of just blurting out in the middle of a discussion, “Honey, I did the dishes last night” I would segue into the stroke by saying, “I noticed last night that those cookie sheets hardly fit in the dishwasher. I’m surprised Whirlpool didn’t design that into their dishwasher.”

And hopefully she would gush, “Oh, that’s right. I did notice you did the put two items in the dishwasher and then started it without any soap. Thank you so much, Dear, for that tremendous sacrifice on your part. That was very thoughtful of you. I need to write this up for the local newspaper. You really are such a perfect husband.”

Now, if you do it to be recognized, if you are seeking the adulation and praise here on earth, it won’t be a treasure in heaven – not to mention that if you act that way, you’re a hypocrite. If you do it to be seen of others, you may as well not even do it. In my case, I just quit helping around the house. No. I just had to learn to do it out of love for my wife, and not for the recognition.

Church Children’s Chatter Part 2

     I was giving a family night lesson on the resurrection. While trying to introduce the topic, I asked the kids, “How will we die?”
     Jonathan (2) answered, “Yike dis! (like this)” as he fell over backwards with a thud.

*  *  *  *

     One Sunday after Church Melissa (5) remarked, “The Holy Ghost is a special ghost.”

*  *  *  *

      “I know why we chew with our mouths closed,” Michael (4) announced one day at the dinner table.
      “Why?” asked TerriLu.
      “Because Jesus told us to!”

*  *  *  *

     The voice on the church record repeatedly sang, “I’ve got to find out who I am.”
     After the song, Melissa (6) said, “I know who I am—Missy.”

*  *  *  *

     One day Jonathan (3) and Michael (5) had a little disagreement over some toys. At one point, Jonny threatened, “Then I won’t be your best friend.”
      “But, Jon, you have to,” Michael countered, “because Jesus said so.”

*  *  *  *

     After church one Sunday Michael (5) and Jonathan (3) had a discussion about cigarette smoking and how people shouldn’t hurt their bodies because the body is the temple of God.
      “I’m never going to smoke,” Michael insisted, “even if everybody says, ‘It’s okay. It’s fun.’ ”
      “Yeah,” chimed in Jonathan, “only cars can smoke.”

*  *  *  *

     Jonathan (3) and I sat on the couch in the foyer after the church meetings one Sunday. When Jonny stood up on the couch I explained, “We don’t stand on the furniture at our house. This is Heavenly Father’s house and we don’t stand on the furniture here either.”
     Jonny looked around with wide eyes and said, “He’s got a big house!”

*  *  *  *

      One Sunday at church Jonathan (5) needed to stop in the bathroom. After flushing he mentioned to me, “I know why the toilets here are quieter.”
      “Why?” I asked.
      “Because it’s at church.”

*  *  *  *

      One Sunday Jonathan (5) announced, “I’m going to fast from food today.”
      “Oh,” said Mommy. “Why are you going to do that?”
      “To show Heavenly Father that I love Him more than food.”

*  *  *  *

     During a family night lesson, I told the kids that Heavenly Father lives and that He loves us very much. Michael (7) raised his hand and said thoughtfully, “When you say that, I feel like Heavenly Father is right next to me.”

*  *  *  *

      Jonathan’s kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Wilson, asked each student, “What makes you special?”
      “I have a special spirit,” Jonathan (6) replied, as he patted his chest.

*  *  *  *

      “Mom,” William (4) asked one morning, “how do you write Jonathan’s name?” TerriLu took out a sheet of paper and wrote Jonathan’s name. William then asked how to write Melissa and Michael’s names and again TerriLu obliged.
      “How do you spell your name?” continued William. Mommy started out with the “T” for “Terri” when William sadly pointed out, “That looks like the thing Jesus died on.”

*  *  *  *

     Melissa (10) and TerriLu watched an overweight women enthusiastically singing a solo at church. Melissa turned toward TerriLu with her eyes still glued to the soloist, and innocently asked, “Mom, are there fat angels?”

*  *  *  *

     After the long drive to Utah the kids were rather tired, but still went to church with Grammy. Within five minutes of the start of the meeting, Jonathan (7) fell sound asleep and he didn’t wake up until church was over. As I picked him up to carry him to the car, Jonathan blinked and observed, “They have short meetings here.”

*  *  *  *

      As TerriLu held the sacrament tray for William (3) one Sunday, he carefully inspected the many pieces of bread. After urging him several times to take one, TerriLu finally just selected one for him and passed the tray on.
      “But I didn’t want this one!” wailed William.

*  *  *  *

      “I like going to church because it’s Heavenly Father’s house,” commented William (4) one Sunday morning while getting dressed. “But I don’t like wearing Sunday clothes!” he moaned.

*  *  *  *

     One day while pondering just how far divine omnipotence goes, Michael (7) asked, “If you were already sitting down, could Jesus sit down before you?”

*  *  *  *

     The chapel was unusually cold one Sunday because the air-conditioner was running full blast. Suzanne, who was in charge of the children’s program, asked Michael (9) if he would like to be the reverent child and stand up front with his arms folded to set a proper example for the people entering the chapel.
     While rubbing his arms to keep the blood flowing and before committing he inquired hopefully, “Is it warmer up there?”

*  *  *  *

     Jonathan (7) had talked to William (4) about the Holy Ghost and explained that it is a warm feeling in the heart that helps people to choose the right.
     Later William and Michael (9) had a small altercation over who made a certain mess that needed to be cleaned up, and William sternly explained to Michael, “In your tummy the Holy Ghost is saying you did it.”

*  *  *  *

     After church one Sunday I instructed, “William, go change into play clothes,” using the same phrase I often used with the older kids when they came home from school.
      “All my clothes are play clothes,” explained William (4). He paused a moment and added, “But not counting my church clothes.”

*  *  *  *

     On the way home from church one Sunday after the family had fasted, William (4) asked, “When you break your fast, does it break Sunday?”

*  *  *  *

     One day Michael (4) and Aunt Georgia had a short discussion. “I could hug everyone on this pwanet (planet)!” he declared.” Then after a short pause, he reconsidered, “Except for Jesus because He is up too high.”

*  *  *  *

     One Sunday at church William (5) noticed the long hair on a young man who was sitting nearby. William leaned over to TerriLu and whispered, “That boy doesn’t have a missionary haircut.”

*  *  *  *

Church Children’s Chatter Part 1

      One Sunday TerriLu thought Michael (6) looked a little sad and asked what was wrong.
      “Nothing,” responded Michael.
      “Are you sad?” TerriLu asked.
      “No.”
      “Are you sure?”
      “Mom,” he replied emphatically, “I wouldn’t lie on Sunday!”

*  *  *  *

     I had recently given a talk at church on parenting. I suggested that when faced with a difficult situation parents should pause, ponder, and pray for inspiration instead of reacting negatively.
     A few days later I was trying to deal with one of those awkward situations with Melissa and Michael, and apparently wasn’t doing very well. Jonathan (5), who had been silently observing, interrupted, and asked austerely, “Dad, did you pause, ponder, and pray?”

*  *  *  *

     While passing a truck loaded with hay in July, Melissa (2) observed, “That’s the hay that baby Jesus slept on.”

*  *  *  *

      After dinner one Sunday night, I asked, “Who wants desert?” Michael (4) immediately answered with the commonly used, “Me!” while Jonathan (2) answered “I do,” using the proper grammar which had been stressed recently.
      “Hey,” Michael pointed out, “he said it the wighteous (righteous) way.”

*  *  *  *

      The kids took turns reciting the Ten Commandments one Sunday morning. Jonathan (5) finished number three and I said, “Michael, please do the next one.”
      “Level Four?” asked Michael (7) absently.
      Melissa (9) rolled her eyes and observed, “Too much Nintendo.”

*  *  *  *

      As the family got ready for church one Sunday morning, Melissa (2) groaned, “I don’t want to go to nursery.”
      “Why not?” asked TerriLu.
      “The nursery is scary!” she insisted.
      “Why is it scary?”
      “Because all the children scream.”

*  *  *  *

      A plant leaf died so TerriLu cut it off and discarded it in the trash can. Melissa (2) asked thoughtfully, “When a plant dies, does it go back to Heavenly Father?”
      “Yes, I guess it does,” responded TerriLu absently.
      “No, it doesn’t,” Melissa corrected. “It goes in the trash!”

*  *  *  *

     Melissa (5) was not familiar with “fasting” or going without food. One Sunday, she sat next to the young man who was ushering at the door and she offered him a stick of gum. A few minutes later, she whispered in my ear, “He couldn’t have any because he’s fast forwarding.”

*  *  *  *

     I was giving a family night lesson on respect and reverence. I made the point that saying “Excuse me, Sir” would show more respect than saying “Hey, you!” I then explained that using the words “Thou, Thee, Thy, and Thine” shows more respect to Heavenly Father than saying “you, your, and yours.”
     Michael (9) raised his hand and asked inquisitively, “If you saw Heavenly Father, would it be all right to say, ‘Hey, Thou’?”

*  *  *  *

     Melissa (3) and Michael (1) were playing in the backyard with the hose one day when TerriLu noticed Melissa talking into the hose like a microphone at church.
     Sweetly, simply, and powerfully Melissa testified, “I know that Heavenly Father is real. I know that I’m real, too.”

*  *  *  *

      TerriLu and Michael (4) read the scriptures together one morning and came across some references to “righteous” people. TerriLu asked, “Who are righteous people?”
      “I don’t know,” replied Michael.
      “Well,” explained Mommy, “they are the people who obey Heavenly Father.”
      “Oh,” responded Michael, “I will always do that.”
      “Do you know who the wicked people are?”
      “Yeah,” he stated authoritatively. “They are the ones that say ‘Na na na na na na. I’m better than you are.’ “

*  *  *  *

     Mommy put some bug poison in the plant soil and cautioned the kids that they were not to touch it.
     Michael (3) explained why. “Because if you do, then you fall down on the ground like this,” he said knowingly, as he fell over backwards. “And you never get up ever again,” he continued, from his sprawled position. “Only Heavenly Father can make us get up again.”

*  *  *  *

      One day I asked Melissa (4) admiringly, “Where did you get that pretty face?”
      “From Heavenly Father,” replied Melissa assuredly.

*  *  *  *

      After church one Sunday, Melissa (5) sat with one of TerriLu’s friends, and shared a very grown-up discussion.
      “Sheila,” Melissa began, “I need to ask you something. Sometimes people at church play with my hair. They go like this,” she explained as she demonstrated how they stroked her hair. With a perplexed look on her face, she asked, “Sheila, why do you think they do that?”

*  *  *  *

      A lesson about “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak” probably made sense to Michael (3) one evening as he patiently waited for dinner.
      “My body wants it now,” he confided, folding his arms, “but my spiwit (spirit) says to wait until it’s done.”

*  *  *  *

      After everyone scrambled out of the car at church loaded with papers, pencils, and scriptures to keep them quietly busy during the meeting, I checked with no one in particular before locking the car, “Do we have everything we need?”
      “I have everything I need,” answered William (4). He held his arms out and said, “Nothing!”

*  *  *  *

      Jonathan (2) was playing with the flashlight one day when TerriLu suggested that he save the batteries for when the lights go out.
      “Yeah,” Michael (4) whispered eerily. “And then the moon turns to blood.”

*  *  *  *

      One day Michael (4) said, “I’m gwad (glad) to be what I am.”
      “What are you?” asked Daddy.
      “A powson (person),” replied Mike. Then he added, “I’m gwad that Jesus made me a powson.”

*  *  *  *

Church Talk

On a typical Sunday morning, TerriLu and I and the kids scrambled around the house trying to get ready for church. My normal dialogue with the kids went something like this: “Kids, get your shoes and socks on! It’s time to go to church! Melissa, get William down off the TV set and help him put his pants back on! Michael, stop kicking the soccer ball up and down the stairway and get your shoes and socks on! Jonathan, put your Ninja Turtles away! Where are your shoes and socks? Come on! We’re gonna be late! Let’s move it! Don’t forget to brush your teeth! Michael, please put the soccer ball away! And why don’t you have your shoes and socks on yet? Have you brushed your teeth? Melissa, please get William! He’s out on the sidewalk wearing just his underwear…on his head, waving at the cars! Jonathan, we’ve got to get moving!”

As TerriLu got the kids in the car I usually remembered I needed to type something for a meeting. So he frantically pounded away at the computer while everyone in the car asked, “Mom, how come Dad made us all hurry and we’re ready and he’s not?” Then as I’d race fifty miles an hour through a thirty-mile-per-hour zone so we could be to church on time and look reverent, someone said the morning family prayer. At church, we’d walk in reverently, get a program from the usher, and take our seats.

And occasionally some people must have observed us entering church and thought, “Oh, look at the Ross family. They are so organized. They really have it all together. At our house this morning, we were all racing around trying to get to church on time. One time I almost raised my voice at one of the kids—on Sunday! They probably even had a really spiritual prayer together and everything.” And they don’t realize that yes, the Rosses had a family prayer—while Dad was reverently breaking the speed limit by twenty miles an hour.

One Sunday I was asked to teach the little three-year-old Sunday School class which included William and several of his buddies. I thought he could get on the kids’ good side and keep their attention by bringing a little treat in the way of jaw breakers. Well, that went fine until Kevin started gagging on his candy.

I panicked and started trying the Heimlich maneuver to no avail because the candy wasn’t stuck in the wind pipe. The little guy could breathe just fine—he just couldn’t swallow the giant object whole, down his tiny throat. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that while I was whacking the kid on the back, giving him bear hug squeezes, and shaking him upside down. As I rushed him to the drinking fountain, thinking some water might help, Kevin swallowed the thing whole.

Of course, Kevin’s first question was, “Can I have another jaw breaker?” Yeah, right kid!

Actually, the rest of the class members thought it was one of the most entertaining classes they could remember in a long time, although I was not asked to substitute again.

Church and messy diapers don’t go together very well. Actually, messy diapers don’t go well with anything, but especially not with church.

One Sunday, William (2) had a bad one—a real blow out! If Guinness were tracking diaper fiascoes, this one would at least make the top ten list.

Melissa (10) was the first to notice it, and she quickly alerted TerriLu to the pungent odor and the blue mushroom cloud forming above William. Melissa’s eyes were watering, and women sitting two and three rows away suspiciously sniffed the air and checked their baby’s diaper.

TerriLu quickly escorted William out to the foyer while Melissa signaled for help from me because I was seated up front on the stand. The spare diaper and baby wipes were locked in my car and I had the keys with me. I quickly retrieved the diapering paraphernalia from the car, and having contributed my part, handed the goods to TerriLu who had been standing and waiting with William in the foyer. Actually, since I handled the last several messy diapers, TerriLu graciously took her turn. As she headed off to the rest room for the cleanup job, she figured it would be a quick and easy change, and, worst case, just extra smelly. Little did she know.

As William walked towards the rest room, I noticed little globs on the carpet where William’s left foot stepped. TerriLu, who had noticed the unmentionables as well, followed behind William, picking them up with paper towels as she went. I quickly got several soapy paper towels, a few wet paper towels, and a load of dry paper towels, and started scrubbing the carpet.

Melissa followed TerriLu into the rest room and came out a few minutes later with a complete status report and a desperate need for fresh air. Things looked pretty bleak in there! William needed a complete change of clothes! The mess had squished up his back enough to soil his shirt tail and all the way down the inside of his pant leg to his left sock and shoe.

TerriLu simply rolled up her sleeves and got to work. She removed William’s pants and then had to scour the counter. She took off his shoes and socks, and again had to scour the counter. She washed his pants, his socks, his shoes, his shirt, his legs, his back, his feet, his helpful hands, and the counter, again. In the forty-five minute clean-up job, TerriLu used every paper towel in the rest room and filled the large-capacity garbage can to overflowing.

At one point, Gail, who was pregnant at the time, walked in, got one whiff, and with wide eyes, gasped, “I’m sorry, but if I stay in here, I’ll be sick.” From his cleaning position on the carpet, I looked up just as Gail exited the rest room, and noticed she was hyperventilating.

As it turned out, there was a reasonable explanation for the malodorous mishap. At home before church, TerriLu had asked Michael (8) to put on William’s diaper. He did the best he could, for his first-time diaper job, but happened to get the diaper on crooked so it only covered William’s right side. Luck would have it that the one and only time Michael inappropriately put a diaper on William was also the time William had the single worst blow out in family, and perhaps worldwide, history—a deleterious diaper disaster, and at church of all places.

Incidentally, other than the mention of the blue mushroom cloud, there is no exaggeration in the story. Just ask Gail.

Several months after the just mentioned messy-diaper story, TerriLu and I observed a similar and rather interesting messy-diaper situation at church. The four Underhill children (the last name has been changed to protect the father’s identity) were quietly sitting with their dad in church while their mom played the organ for the opening songs of the service. I looked over at TerriLu and wrinkled my nose to indicate that a rancid smell was lingering in the air. TerriLu took a whiff, gagged slightly, looked suspiciously at the youngest Underhill boy in the next row up, and looked back over at me and winced. At the same time several other women lifted their babies up, sniffed the diapers, breathed sighs of relief realizing it wasn’t their own offspring, and then looked skeptically around for the real culprit.

When the Underhill’s mom came down to join the family she sat down and immediately gasped for breath. The dad calmly handed the baby to his mom who had to steady herself to keep from passing out. She looked at her husband and her eyes glared, “This is the worst smelly diaper in the history of the world—well, except maybe for the Ross baby a few months ago—so why didn’t you take him out and change him while I was playing the organ?” which is quite a bit for two eyes to articulate in one breath or blink.

He looked back, raised his eyebrows, and innocently mouthed the words, “Is he messy?”

Two dozen pairs of watering eyes within ten feet emphatically shouted, “Yes! Are you olfactoryly challenged or just stupid?”

Before any other eyes could further castigate the dad, the Underhill baby, his mom, and the diaper bag were halfway out of the chapel to the bathroom.

The positive side to the story is that the speaker thought all the teary-eyed people in the audience were simply touched by the message.

Numbers in the Family Children’s Chatter Part 2

 “Is my birthday in an hour?” Michael (4) asked one day.

“No,” replied TerriLu.

“Is it tomorrow?”

“No,” came the response again.

“When is it?” asked Michael in desperation.

“In half a year.”

“That soon?” asked Michael excitedly.

 

*  *  *  *

 

Jonathan (4) had twice asked me for a drink while I was glued to a television program. I did not respond. Finally, Jonathan moaned, “Dad, I’ve been asking for a drink for a couple of days!”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One day Jonathan (4) told TerriLu about people getting older and becoming grandparents. “Grandpa’s not a thousand years old and he’s not six years old,” he explained. “He’s a different kind of old.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

TerriLu and Melissa (9) were admiring the sparkling items in a jewelry store. “That’s the necklace I want to buy with my money,” Melissa indicated.

“That one is seventy-five dollars,” TerriLu pointed out.

Remembering the necklaces and bracelets she had gotten from gum-ball-type machines, Melissa sighed, “Whatever happened to twenty-five-cent jewelry?”

 

*  *  *  *

 

Jonathan (5) held up a dollar bill and a quarter and said, “This and this hooked together makes a dollar and a quarter.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One day TerriLu told Jonathan (6) a story from the old west about a sixteen-year-old girl who married a thirty-three-year-old man. Trying to put the age difference into perspective, Mommy named several of the recent baby-sitters who were sixteen years old. Jonathan seemed to understand that age but couldn’t grasp how much older the man was than the girl. TerriLu then explained that I was thirty-three years old.

“Whoa,” blurted Jonathan, “that’s really old.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One afternoon William (5) mentioned matter-of-factly to TerriLu, “When I’m a parent you’ll be dead.”

“No, I won’t,” objected Mom.

“Well,” corrected William, “when I’m a grandpa then you’ll be dead.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One morning Jonathan (7) mentioned, “I remember when I was six.”

Not to be outdone, William (3) quickly boasted, “I remember when I was six.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

William (3) drank a little Squirt soda pop from a cup and pointed out, “This is Sixteen-Up.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One day while TerriLu stood at the kitchen table reading the mail, William (3) climbed up and stood on a chair next to her. He reached up, put his hand on her head, and asked, “Mommy, are you this tall?”

 

*  *  *  *

 

Melissa (12) had an all-day baby-sitting job at the Udy’s, and came home happy, but quite exhausted after tending four energetic kids, including two toddlers. Knowing Melissa had been working hard to save money, I asked, “How much did they pay you?”

As she took the folded check out of her pocket, Melissa sighed wearily, “Whatever it is, I earned it.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

The older kids wanted to know what time it was and William (3) quickly guessed, “Is it sixteen o’clock?”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One evening Michael (9) pointed at the digital clock in the boys’ room and gasped excitedly, “Hey look at that!”

“What?” I asked, wondering what was so special about 8:48 p.m.

“It’s a palindrome,” explained the ever-logical Michael. “And eight goes into forty-eight six times.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One morning William (4) asked, “Is after this morning, tomorrow night?”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One day Michael’s friend, Justin, asked, “What are you going to be when you grow up, William?”

“A Dad,” replied William.

“But what are you going to do to earn money?” asked Justin curiously.

“Nothing,” asserted William.

 

*  *  *  *

 

One day William (4) bought some candy from Jonathan (8) using play money. While sucking on the candy William explained knowingly, “This Jolly Rancher tastes better than money.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One afternoon after the big kids came home from school, William (4) said, “The day after this night after this day, let’s go to Chuck E. Cheese pizza again!”

Melissa (12) concentrated for a moment and then beamed, “He’s talking about tomorrow.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

William (4) assembled a favorite puzzle one morning and later observed, “If you put a ‘4’ and ‘D’ together that makes forty.”

 

*  *  *  *

 

One afternoon William (5) and Jonathan (9) were discussing automobiles. “Jonny, which would go faster?” William asked. “A police car going fifteen miles an hour or our car going fifteen miles an hour?”

 

*  *  *  *

 

Grammy asked William (3) when TerriLu had her recent surgery.

“Yestermorrow,” replied William assuredly.

 

*  *  *  *

 

The family had the Robinson’s over one evening and William (5) wanted to do a magic trick for them. I was in the middle of a discussion and so I replied, “William, you can do your magic trick in a few minutes.”

After waiting patiently for some time, William whispered, “Dad, is a few minutes a long time or a short time?”

 

*  *  *  *

 

After I finished singing “30,000 pounds of bananas” Michael (11) observed, “That’s actually fifteen tons.”

 

*  *  *  *

Numbers in the Family Children’s Chatter Part 1

      One afternoon after great thought William (5) lamented, “I turned five, but every time I get older, my family gets older too.”

*  *  *  *

     Melissa (2) wanted to know when it would be tomorrow and TerriLu tried to explain. “Tomorrow,” she said, pointing to the right, “will be tomorrow but then we’ll call it today. And today,” she said, pointing to the left, “will be yesterday.” A little confused herself, TerriLu assured Melissa, “Don’t worry. You’ll understand when you’re a little older.”
     Undaunted, Melissa pointed across the room and inquired, “Is yesterday that way?”

*  *  *  *

     One morning William (3) stepped on the bathroom scale. He bent over, looked carefully at the reading, then straightened up and announced, “I’m three and a half years old.”

*  *  *  *

     The family was getting ready to move so I could finish my college degree. One day TerriLu explained to Melissa (3) that I would only be putting in long hours at work for a few more weeks. Excitedly, Melissa added, “And then he will come back to live with us for a long, long time.”

*  *  *  *

     After TerriLu had a particularly rough day, Jonathan (5) asked, “Are you sad?”
     “Yeah,” replied TerriLu.
     “When are you going to be happy?”
     “I don’t know.”
     “Well, Mom, you’ve been sad for about two years.”

*  *  *  *

     Being busy with school and work, I wasn’t sure of all the household rules and regulations. One day I tried to handle a wetting accident with Melissa (3). Looking for guidance I asked good-naturedly, “Melissa, what do we do with you when this happens?”
     Melissa quickly offered, “We put me in my room for a couple of days.”

*  *  *  *

     After William’s little buddy, Kevin, went home, William (3) held up six fingers and asked, “Mom, is this four?”
     “No,” replied TerriLu, “that’s six.”
     “Oh,” responded William with mild concern, “I told Kevin it was four.”

*  *  *  *

     One Sunday Melissa (3) asked a little friend at church, “Would you like to come over and play with me one of these years?”

*  *  *  *

     An old friend of the family saw Melissa (4) for the first time in a several years and gushed, “Melissa, you’re getting so big!”
     “Yeah,” agreed Melissa proudly, “I’m almost ten.”

*  *  *  *

     One morning TerriLu and William (3) discussed numbers. William held up two fingers and asked, “What’s this?”
     “Two,” replied TerriLu.
     “No, it’s for cutting hair,” he corrected, as he pretended to snip her hair with his two fingers.

*  *  *  *

     Michael (3) and TerriLu discussed ages one day.
     “I’m fwee years old,” Michael stated.
     “And I’m twenty-eight years old,” added TerriLu.
     “Hey,” Michael giggled, “you’re a big kid.”

*  *  *  *

     One day William (2) showed everyone how well he could count. “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, o-teen, eleventeen, y-teen.”

*  *  *  *

     “Look how big you are, William!” I blurted one day.
     “Yeah,” agreed William (4). “I’m a foot.” Realizing that didn’t quite sound right, William corrected, “I mean a footer-meter.”
     “How big is a footer-meter?” I asked.
     William put his hand on his head. “This big!” he said revealing the obvious answer.

*  *  *  *

     TerriLu made the final preparations around the house before the family left on a vacation trip. She planned to have a friend water the plants and check on the house every so often. TerriLu and I talked about loaning the VCR to the neighbor for the three weeks when Melissa (6) asked why the neighbors didn’t just go out and buy a VCR.
     “Well,” TerriLu tried to explain, “VCRs cost a lot of money. You can’t always just go out and buy one.”
     “Ohhh,” mused Missy, as she carefully considered Mommy’s statement and the fact that the we had bought a VCR some time before. “We must have been rich a long time ago.”

*  *  *  *

     One evening Michael (5) looked at the digital clock and announced, “It’s 9:44.”
      “Is that late?” I asked, trying to check Michael’s understanding of time.
     “Yeah, really late!”
     “Is it past your bedtime?” I asked.
     “Yeah.”
     “When is your bedtime?” I asked.
     “Well, sometimes it’s 7:30,” Michael explained, “and sometimes it’s just plain old eight.”

*  *  *  *

     Early one morning before TerriLu and I had even gotten out of bed, William (3) walked in and announced, “It’s forty-forty-six o’clock.”

*  *  *  *

     One afternoon Jonathan (4) helped TerriLu make the casserole for dinner. That evening as he ate the main course which he had helped prepare, he commented, “I like this casserole an inch better than cake.”

*  *  *  *

     Jonathan (4) needed my help and yelled for assistance. Daddy called back down the hallway, “Can you wait thirty seconds?”
     Jonny started to moan about waiting so long, and I realized that thirty of anything sounded long to a four-year old. “Can you wait half a minute?” I offered.
     “Yeah!” Jonny cheerfully agreed.

*  *  *  *

     At bedtime one night Melissa (4) wanted just one more story but the request was vetoed. “But” she pleaded, holding her hands about six inches apart, palms facing each other, “it will only take this long.”

*  *  *  *

Numbers in the Family

One day Grandpa Larsen showed Melissa (3) his plastic coin holder, the oval-shaped kind that is squeezed from the ends to make the slot open. Grandpa showed Melissa how to open the coin holder which was full of pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters.

“Can I have a penny?” asked Melissa hopefully.

“Sure,” smiled Grandpa as he handed her a penny.

“Oooh, can I have one of these big shiny ones?” she asked as she pointed at a quarter. Again Grandpa complied.

“Can I have one of the little shiny ones?” asked Melissa pointing at a dime. Once again Grandpa acquiesced.

This continued until Melissa had all of Grandpa’s change.

“Now,” she said, pointing to the coin purse, “can I have that thing to put all my money in?”

Melissa (10) and Michael (8) had already gone to school one morning when I realized I had forgotten to pay them for last week’s job charts. I decided to just put the money in their banks and tell them that evening how much they had earned. In the boys’ room I looked at the three banks and tried to remember which colored bank belonged to which boy. I tried to recall whose favorite color was blue, whose was yellow, and whose was red, but I wasn’t having much luck.

Finally, I asked for a little assistance from Jonathan (6) who explained for at least the third time in as many months that his was the red one, Michael’s was the blue one, and William’s was the yellow one. I mumbled under my breath, something about how I should be able to retain that simple bit of information.

Knowing that everyone in the family was aware of Michael’s propensity for saving money, and that William as a two-year old had very little money, Jonathan explained in terms that even I could grasp and remember, “Dad, just pick them up. The heavy one is Michael’s. The medium one is mine. And the light one is William’s.”

Michael (7) loved math and numbers. On family trips he would often ask me to quiz him on the times tables and then he would work them out in his head.

One time as the family drove home from Portland to Bothell, the three older kids each wanted a turn to sit in the middle seat of the Plymouth Voyager. I explained that we would be home after each sat there for forty minutes. A few minutes later Michael announced, “We’ll be home in two hours.”

“That’s right,” I replied. “How did you know?”

“Because,” Michael continued, “if we each get forty minutes, that’s two hours. Another way of saying it is forty times three.”

One time while on the road, Michael asked, “What mile marker will it be when we get home?”

I tried to recall the Mill Creek exit number off Interstate Five and approximated, “One hundred eighty-two.”

Michael recalled that I had mentioned earlier that the car travels about one mile every minute on the freeway. Michael looked out the window at the passing mile marker, thought for a few moments, and then correctly calculated, “We’ll be home in fifty-one minutes.”

Most mornings before school the kids waited until the last minute to get ready regardless of the number of lectures on procrastination and the value of using time wisely. One morning at 7:00 a.m. the family was reading together before school. A few minutes later we were a little alarmed to hear an early-morning knock at the door. We opened the door and there stood Ryan and Nicholas with backpacks and all, ready to walk with Jonathan and Michael to school.

“Why are you here so early?” asked Mom with mild curiosity.

“We’re not early. We’re right on time,” replied Nicholas. “Why are you late?”

“What do you mean late? It’s just a little past seven.”

“No,” replied Nicholas, “it’s almost eight-thirty. There was a power outage last night.”

So began a major scramble to get ready for school in five minutes—just like most days.