Happy Birthday, Old Man!

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So yesterday, our grandson, Braden, had his sixth birthday celebration at Po-Jos (sort of a mini/micro Disneyland-type establishment under one roof). Braden’s six siblings and three local cousins attended, and, of course, Nammy and Papa (that would be Grandma and Grandpa or my wife and I), as well as the parents of said grandchildren.

Two cousins, sisters Kylie and Taylor, wanted to go around on the carousal with its plethora of riding animals. Due to Taylor’s small size, I was assigned as her partner to hold her securely on the horse of her choice. She dubbed it “Powder” which is the name of her favorite horse at her other grandparents’ ranch – Taylor is not fond of “Blue” but Blue (the horse) is Kylie’s favorite.

I carefully fastened Taylor in place with the single snapping belt (not really much of a safety/seat belt) and off we went on our musical ride with Taylor gleefully bobbing up and down and back and forth on Powder. On about the fourth revolution, I started feeling sick to my stomach. I’ve never liked “spinning” rides like the Disney Teacups or whirlybirds or even Ferris wheels, but I really like big roller coasters and rides like Splash Mountain at Disneyland. I can handle “It’s a Small World” but find it quite boring.

Anyway, on the merry-go-round carousel, I had a horrible backache to begin with so the queasiness didn’t help things at all. By round fifteen I was certifiably ready to hurl – pizza, as a matter of fact, which we had just consumed – ham and pineapple and pepperoni. Fortunately, the carousel only turned sixteen times.

Dizzily, I unbuckled a blissful Taylor and lifted her out of Powder’s saddle – a lady just wouldn’t ride bareback! I held her hand and managed to stumble off the carousel – a dismount of sorts.

Soon, Taylor was shoving tokens into an airplane, a motorcycle, and even a school bus. These were all single-passenger rides that jiggled in place so I just stood there and tried not to think about regurgitating my meal in a public place.

After a few more rides and then a little birthday cake loaded with sugar to add more nausea to my body, I watched Brenna, Madalyn, Josh, and Braden on the bumper cars. Pushing the control sticks forward simultaneously made the cars go straight ahead. Pulling the sticks back at the same time made the cars go backwards. Pushing the right stick forward and pulling the left stick backwards, made the cars spin to the left. Reversing the sticks made the cars spin clockwise. Just watching the spinning cars, which the grandkids enjoyed immensely, made my stomach even queasier. And, of course, the back pain was still going strong. So I felt miserable with each revolution and with each passing minute.

Soon Taylor found me again and insisted on another carousel ride. This time she adamantly pressed for a ride on the elephant, sans (without) saddle – bareback. She did allow me to strap the safety belt around her torso, but refused to have me hold her in place on the elephant – I had to sit on the “old people” bench in front of the elephant, and, of course, Taylor, age three, did just fine by herself. She even made a few elephant sounds, trumpeting her fun for all to hear. Fortunately, the bench upon which I sat did not move up and down or back and forth like all the animals. However, it did circle sixteen times with the animals, much to the delight and amusement of the kids and much to the sickness of my upset stomach.

Again, I staggered off the carousel – fortunately, Taylor held my hand, unwittingly steadying me ever so little, but better than nothing. A few minutes later, Michelle, Kylie, Taylor, and baby Brooklyn’s mommy, ran all the red tickets through the amazing ticket-counting machine (that was more fascinating to me than most of the rides and toys) so the kids could buy some prizes.

I was still dizzy, queasy, and unsteady, but managed to keep it all in, quite literally. Even today, Saturday morning, as I write this, I feel like I’m on the verge…

Oral Interpreation for BYU Communicaitons Class – Mostly From MAD Magazine

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Pollution

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall;

Humpty Dumpty smoked a Pall Mall;

All of the doctors told Humpty that he

Must quit or he’d never live past thirty-three.

Humpty Dumpty cried, “I shall quit”;

Humpty Dumpty smoked not a bit;

But Humpty from smog is beginning to choke;

What the hell, Humpty, you might as well smoke!

Little Bo-Peep

Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep

And thinks they may be roaming;

They haven’t fled; They’ve all dropped dead

From nerve gas in Wyoming!

Playboy

Hefner had a magazine

Which first shocked many folks;

With color spreads of half-nude girls

And sort-of-dirty jokes.

But now we’re bombed with raunchy filth

And pornographic swill

Which makes Hef’s magazine

Seem more like “Jack and Jill!”

High Cost of Living

Mary had a little lamb,

Its fleece was white as snow.

Everywhere that Mary went,

The lamb was sure to go.

When Mary found the price of meat had soared,

It really didn’t please her,

Tonight she’s having leg of lamb,

The rest is in the freezer!

Dating Games

There once was a co-ed named Diane

Who said to her boyfriend, Brian,

.      “If you kiss me, of course,

.      You’ll have to use force,

But thank goodness you’re stronger than I am!”

Old Age

An accident really uncanny

Occurred to my elderly granny;

.      She sat down in a chair

.      When her false teeth lay there

And bit herself right in the fanny!

Christlike Service and Treasures in Heaven

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Brothers and sister, I want to testify of the importance of Christlike service to others on earth and how that service becomes treasure in heaven for us.

Quotes on Service

As President Monson closed last October general conference, he taught us that “we are God’s hands on earth…to serve His children” (“Until We Meet Again,” Ensign, November 2011.)

At the First Presidency Christmas devotional, President Monson mentioned the book The Mansion that teaches about learning to give service out of love for others without recognition on earth. President Monson taught that that is how we lay up treasures in heaven.

President Monson taught that without earthly recognition, the Christlike services truly become treasures in heaven. (First Presidency Christmas Devotional, December 4, 2011, Ensign, January 2012).

King Mosiah taught that “when [we] are in the service of [our] fellow beings [we] are [actually, ultimately] only in the service of [our] God” (Mosiah 2:17).

In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior said: “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt. But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven” (Matthew 6:19-20, 3 Nephi 12:19-20).

In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior also taught “…do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven” (Matthew 6:1, 3 Nephi 12:1).

Now, I’m going to deliberately and knowingly give up one Christlike service on earth which has been heretofore, a treasure in heaven for me. I give it up so it might provide an example and motivation to each of you to anonymously give Christlike service to others to build up your treasures in heaven. I tried to figure out how to tell the story in the third person to conceal my identity but it was too confusing to me to keep track of where I was and who was who. Please do not consider this boastful on my part.

Gate 73: SFO International Airport

On one of my HP business trips around 1988, I was walking from Gate 89 at the far end of one of the San Francisco International airport to another gate for my connection back to Boise. I had three bags with me: a large folding suit bag, a medium-sized bag, and a backpack. Anciently, you were allowed to carry onto the plane as much as you could possibly carry onto the plane.

As I walked, I approached a young mother with two daughters – one was a baby in her arms and the other was about four years old. The four-year old was sitting on the floor crying next to her pink roll-along suitcase. She was sobbing blubbered that she was just too tired to move. The mother had her baby in one arm and was pulling a rollie with her other hand so she couldn’t even hold her daughter’s hand to coax her along.

I asked if I could help. She explained that they needed to get to Gate 73 and she had no idea where it was. Their flight was scheduled to depart in just minutes and they had just gotten off the first leg of their flight. This was the last flight of the day from San Francisco to Portland, Oregon. If they missed the flight they would have to stay the night in a hotel which would be expensive and very difficult to arrange. She would have to get a taxi and find the hotel in the dark. Her husband was already on his way to Portland’s airport to pick them up. This was before cell phones so she couldn’t call him to tell him of her predicament and the need to change their plan.

I told her I knew the exact location of Gate 73: Just ahead past the “moving” sidewalk and a little farther, then right at the “T”. Gate 73 is the third gate on the right just across from a chocolate shop. I shifted both of my bags to my left hand and with no time to ask permission, I scooped up her crying daughter with my free arm along with her little pink pull-along suitcase, and ordered, “Let’s go!” The woman was just behind me, certainly not going to allow me to run off with her precious daughter. We scurried down the moving sidewalk, scampered a little farther, made a right at the T, passed Gates 71 and 72, and turned right into Gate 73. The United Airlines attendant was just shutting the doors to the jet-way when we arrived. With great effort she tugged on the heavy metal door which slowly opened to allow this mother and her daughters to board the plane. The mother quickly showed the attendant her three boarding passes and we all entered the jet-way together. I explained to the attendant that I would not be getting on the plane. She nodded in acknowledgement. The attendant opened the jet’s door as I set the four-year old down and gave her her pink pull-along suitcase. I shifted my own bags back to their regular traditional places as the mother and her two daughters stepped onto the plane. When the mother got to the aisle she turned her head momentarily and with many tears in her eyes and Mascara streaks on her face, she mouthed the words, “Thank you!” There wasn’t time for anything else, but it didn’t matter. She needed help at a great time of need when she couldn’t help herself. And she had her most precious cargo with her onboard the aircraft. That’s really all that mattered. I slowly trudged back up the jet-way with my luggage, followed by the attendant. We did not speak.

At the top of the jet-way I paused to catch my breath. I glanced out the window as the Boeing 737 backed slowly away from Gate 73. Out in the hallway across from the chocolate shop, I heard the jet engines rev up and the aircraft crawled away on its own power towards the runway. I slowly followed it for a few seconds, but then its speed outpaced me. As I got on the northbound moving sidewalk I thought of my own sweet wife and our four children at home in Boise. And then I began to weep.

In our new Relief Society and Priesthood manual on Teachings of the Presidents, President George Albert Smith, the prophet said, “When our life here is ended and we return home, we will find credited to us there every good act we have performed, every kindness we have done, every effort we have put forth to benefit our fellow beings…” (Teachings of the Presidents: George Albert Smith, page 18).

During the early part of our marriage, when I helped around the house, I wanted TerriLu to recognize my service so she would see what a perfect husband she had married. But I was very subtle, even hypocritical, in how I pointed out my efforts so it wouldn’t look like I was seeking recognition. Instead of just blurting out, “Honey, I did the dishes last night,” I would say something like, “I noticed last night while doing the dishes that the cookie sheet barely fit in the dishwasher. I’m surprised Whirlpool didn’t consider that during the design process.” And then hopefully TerriLu would gush effusively, “Oh, that’s right, Bill. I did notice you put in a cookie sheet and a fork and then started the dishwasher…without any soap. Thank you so much for that Herculean effort. I hope you didn’t strain yourself. That was so thoughtful of you, and what a sacrifice. I should write this up and send it in to the Church News and the Ensign magazine to let everyone know that you really are a perfect husband.”

Well, TerriLu never gushed anything like that so in my case, I did the only sensible and right thing – I just quit helping around the house. No, actually, I learned to help more and to do things because they needed to be done, without the recognition. I learned to love serving out of pure love for my wife and family. And I learned to serve others in the same way. Today, I only mention any service around the home to TerriLu so she doesn’t think I’m loafing all the time. I’m basically in charge of simple things like loading and unloading the dishwasher with soap, washing and drying clothes as long as I don’t mix coloreds or jeans with the whites, and fetching ice packs downstairs for TerriLu’s recovering knee. Oh, and I’m not supposed to use RoundUp weed-killer without direct adult supervision because in my haste to spray the weeds I also poison most of the other plant life. And I can get the mail unsupervised, as long as I’m not wearing just my pajamas.

Brother Beckstrom’s Mission President

In the high priests group last fall, Brother Brad Beckstrom told us that his mission president, Jay Pingree, taught that “service to others is like extra credit in heaven to make up for areas where we might be deficient.” I love that statement and I testify that it is true.

Now, I am not saying that service is a substitute for repentance. It is not! But I think we can all use all the extra credit in heaven that we can get. We must repent of our sins and weaknesses. But anonymous Christlike service has a built-in cleansing power. So infinite is the mercy of Christ that many sacrifices, demonstrations of great faith, great humility, sincere prayer, and many services can bring a forgiveness of sins. In the scriptures we have many references to people being forgiven of their sins for reasons other than repentance.

I manually counted 569 scriptures in the online Standard Works at lds.org that use the word “forgiveness” or “forgiven.” I found only 25 scriptures that contain both “repentance” and “forgiveness” or “redemption” in the same verse. I know it is a very fine line – the Lord doesn’t want us not to repent thinking we’ll just be forgiven anyway.

One time Jesus said through the Prophet at a gathering of Latter-day Saints: “There are those among you who have sinned; verily but I say, for this once, for mine own glory, and for the salvation of souls, I have forgiven you your sins.” (If you think I’m making that up, see for yourself in Doctrine and Covenants 64:3. Ponder that for a moment: Jesus can forgive simply because He can forgive! He atoned for our sins – he paid for every pain we suffer – and he has the supreme mercy and munificence to forgive for reasons other than for repenting.

When it comes to forgiving others, the Lord has a little more wiggle room, but we don’t have any flexibility: Said the Savior, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (Doctrine and Covenants 64:10).

Many references in the Doctrine and Covenants speak of service that brings a forgiveness of sins. “Therefore, thrust in your sickle with all your soul, and your sins are forgiven you” (Doctrine and Covenants 31:5).

“Let them lift up their voice and declare my word…without wrath or doubting…for I am able to make you holy, and your sins are forgiven you” (Doctrine and Covenants 60:7).

“For I will forgive you of your sins with this commandment – that you remain steadfast in your minds in solemnity and the spirit of prayer, in bearing testimony to all the world…” (Doctrine and Covenants 84:61).

“For I, the Lord, love him for the work he hath done, and will forgive all his sins” (Doctrine and Covenants 124:78).

“Your sins are forgiven you, because you have obeyed my voice in coming up hither this morning to receive counsel of him whom I have appointed” (Doctrine and Covenants 108:1). That sounds like listening to the prophet at general conference live, and maybe even reading it later in the Ensign.

Luke describes, “And one of the Pharisees desired [Jesus] that He would dine with him. And He went into the Pharisee’s house, and sat down to meat.

“And, behold, a woman in the city, which was a sinner, when she knew that Jesus sat at meat in the Pharisee’s house, brought an alabaster box of ointment,

“And stood at his feet behind him weeping, and began to wash His feet with [her] tears, and did wipe [His feet] with the hairs of her head, and kissed His feet, and anointed them with the ointment.

“Now when the Pharisee which had bidden him saw it, he spake within himself, saying, This man, if He were a prophet, would have known who and what manner of woman this is that toucheth him: for she is a sinner.

“And Jesus answering said unto Him, Simon, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And he saith, Master, Say on.

“There was a certain creditor which had two debtors: the one owed five hundred pence, and the other fifty.

“And when they had nothing to pay, he frankly forgave them both. Tell me therefore, which of them will love him most?

“Simon answered and said, I suppose that he, to whom he forgave most. And he said unto him, Thou hast rightly judged.

“And he turned to the woman, and said unto Simon, Seest thou this woman? I entered into thine house, thou gavest me no water for My feet: but she hath washed my feet with tears, and wiped them with the hairs of her head.

“Thou gavest Me no kiss: but this woman since the time I came in hath not ceased to kiss My feet.

“My head with oil thou didst not anoint: but this woman hath anointed My feet with ointment.

Wherefore I say unto thee, her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

And he said unto her, thy sins are forgiven” (Luke 7:36-49, emphasis added).

Again, it’s a very fine line – the Lord doesn’t want us not to repent thinking we’ll just be forgiven anyway. We still need to continuously repent

17 Miracles – the Willie Handcart Company

Last fall, TerriLu and I went to the dollar theater and saw the movie 17 Miracles about the ill-fated Willie handcart company that left late in the season of 1856 (Deseret News 2012 Church Almanac, page 298, June 9 entry) and endured an early and very harsh winter on their trek to the Salt Lake Valley. Online we also bought a 544-page book entitled The Price We Paid with many details plus we found a talk by Elder Jack Goasland in general conference April 1993 about the rescue of the Willie-Martin handcart companies.

In the general conference of October 1856, word came to Brigham Young of the terrible plight of the Willie and Martin handcart companies. President Young adjourned conference and called all able-bodied men to quickly gather supplies and wagons to form a rescue party. The men left early the next morning to ride to the stranded Saints.

Arriving at the banks of the ice-filled Sweetwater River the rescuers found the handcart companies on the other side of the river, bogged down in eighteen inches of snow. Men, women, and children were too weak to cross the river. Their energy was spent, their strength was gone, and they felt the effects of frostbite, hypothermia, and fatigue. Women, children, and even grown men wept when they realized they needed to cross yet another river in their already weakened condition and this time it was a freezing-cold river filled with large chunks of ice. Several had died in their previous river crossing.

It was then that four strong young men made a sacrifice that few are ever called upon to make. The young men waded into the freezing current, and stayed there the entire day carrying almost every man, woman, and child of the company across the icy river to keep the pioneers warm and dry. Back and forth they crossed until every member was safe on the other side with the supplies and food and the wagons that would provide shelter and transportation to the Salt Lake Valley. Elder Goasland observed in 1993, “These young men were not perfect—they were probably regular young men with faults and shortcomings, with their own problems, fears, and weaknesses. But they answered the call of the prophet – they went where the Lord needed them, to bless the lives of others [made in His image].” (Jack A. Goasland, General Conference, Ensign, May 1993).

For the rest of their lives, these four men suffered from the effects of the prolonged exposure to the freezing water that day.

The sacrifice of these rescuers was later brought to the attention of Brigham Young. President Young wept when he heard the story and declared, “That act alone will ensure [those men] an everlasting salvation in the Celestial Kingdom of God, worlds without end.” (Improvement Era, February 1914, page 288; The Price We Paid: The Extraordinary Story of the Willie and Martin Handcart Pioneers, pages 360-361).

Truly, as President Jim Pingree taught, Christlike service to others is like extra credit in heaven to make up for areas where we might be deficient.

Grandparents

One of the greatest, most selfless acts of service we have seen in the Church, my wife and I first observed while serving together in nursery. TerriLu and I watched, and we continue to watch, as concerned, loving grandparents bring their sweet grandchildren to Sacrament meeting and to nursery and to Primary to help their grandchildren get on and stay on the strait and narrow way. I testify that you are not only laying up great treasures in heaven, but you are also literally “saviors on Mount Zion” (Obidiah 1:21) to your grandchildren.

Righteous, Covenant-keeping Lives Filled with Christlike service Will…

Grandparents and parents, I testify that our righteous, covenant-keeping lives filled with Christlike service, as the Prophet Joseph Smith taught, will draw down the powers of heaven and will invoke the most tender mercies of the atonement of Jesus Christ, to reach out like “tentacles” to draw our children and our grandchildren, or our posterity as Elder Orson F. Whitney of the Twelve testified, with us into the Celestial Kingdom (Orson F. Whitney, Conference Report, April 1929, page 110).

I testify that our Heavenly Father’s work and His glory is not merely to bring to pass our Telestial Life or our Terrestrial Life or even just our Celestial Life. I testify that His work and His glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life and exaltation of us His children (Moses 1:39) through the infinitely merciful atonement of our Savior, Jesus Christ. I testify that we assist our Heavenly Father in His glorious work and that “we are His hands on earth” and “to lift up the hands which hang down” (Hebrews 12:12, Doctrine and Covenants 81:5) in Christlike service to others, which blesses them and truly blesses us as well, as we lay up treasures in heaven and build up our mansions on high, and that service becomes extra credit in heaven to make up for areas where we might be deficient.

I know that our Father in Heaven lives and that Jesus Christ is His Only Begotten Son in the flesh and that through His atonement “all mankind may be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ” (Articles of Faith 1:3).

I testify that anonymous Christlike services become the gold bricks that build our mansions on high.

In the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.

A Brother and Sister in a Horrible Car Crash

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A young brother and sister were in a horrific car accident. The girl was badly injured and her life hung in the balance. She had suffered severe blood loss.

At the hospital, a doctor asked the brother if he would be willing to give his blood so his sister could survive. The boy considered the request. The doctor explained further that the boy’s blood type was an exact match for his sister and she really needed his blood. The boy blinked to stave off the tears and then said, yes, he would give his blood so his sister could live.

They immediately went into surgery which was both serious and complex. It required all the skills of each doctor and nurse involved. The operation was successful and the boy soon found himself, to his surprise, in a recovery room. The medical personal had joined the boy and heartily congratulated one another over their success, expertise, and great abilities to save the girl’s life.

Amid all the commotion, the boy gently tugged on the sleeve of the chief surgeon, and asked timidly yet loud enough for all to hear, “When do I die?”

“What do you mean, Son?” the doctor chuckled.

“When do I die?” the boy repeated.

“I don’t know what you mean,” said the puzzled surgeon.

“Well,” continued the boy, “I thought that if you give your blood for someone, then you die.”

The congratulations and compliments ceased, and a pall settled on the recovery room as all present considered the depth and gravity of the boy’s sincere question.

All their training and proficiency had not saved the girl’s life – it was the sacrifice and the blood of her brother…and our Brother, Jesus Christ, that saves us all from death.

Pollution – from Mad Magazine

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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall;

Humpty Dumpty smoked a Pall Mall (a brand of cigarette for those of you too young to remember);

All of the doctors told Humpty that he

Must quit or he’d never live past thirty-three.

 

Humpty Dumpty cried, “I shall quit”;

Humpty Dumpty smoked not a bit;

But Humpty from smog is beginning to choke;

What the hell, Humpty, you might as well smoke!

Johnny Carson’s Quiet Contributions

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This morning (Saturday, May 19, 2012) I happened upon a PBS documentary on the life of Johnny Carson, the Late Show entertainer for thirty years. Mr. Carson had many splendid and well-known accomplishments on his résumé, in spite of the many bumps and bruises in his personal life which he kept quite private, in spite of four marriages and not much of a relationship with his sons.

At one point in the documentary, the show mentioned that very often, Johnny would hear of stories of someone in need and would immediately send off an anonymous charitable check without telling a soul. The only way we know that he did this countless times is because of the accountant who prepared Mr. Carson’s incomes taxes each year. He always went through the checkbook, looking for anything that could be used as a tax deduction. Every year, he found many check stubs showing the various organizations that Johnny had quietly supported, all without telling anyone – truly treasures in heaven.

Satire About Ricks College Strict Code of Conduct

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(This writing assignment originated at Ricks College in 1976. A few years later after the mission to South Africa, a Celestial Marriage to my best friend in the Salt Lake Temple, and by this time at BYU-Provo, I actually plagiarized my own writing by turning this very topic satire into a speech in my Communications class at BYU-Provo. The teacher gave me an “A” but didn’t like the heavy-handedness in the middle of the first paragraph. I don’t even know what the teacher means by that, but he thought the satire was equivalent to Jonathan Swift in his student days.)

The chances of having an enjoyable experience while attending Ricks College are lessened because of the strict standards students are required to maintain. At the present time, students are generally clean-cut individuals. If Ricks were to lower its standards, a greater number of so-called greasers, hippies, and rowdies would be able to attend. Their presence would greatly benefit the entire college and the community of Rexburg.

This “new breed” of students would help end the high cost of attending college. The once-a-month-white-wall-special haircut cost would be reduced to once-a-year-trim-your-ponytail-and-split-ends haircut. Shampoo would no longer need to be purchased because, if used, it would ruin the long and greasy look. Baths and showers would become obsolete, and therefore water bills would be much less. Not having to buy soap would also help save. Money would not have to be wasted at laundry mats because clothes would never need to be washed.

Lowering the cost of living would not be the only advantage brought by the long-haired friends. The school would experience new excitement in the way of gang wars, muggings, and fights. Intramural rumbles would fit right in with the basketball and football programs, and would prepare students for in-between-class altercations. In order to help students in their efforts to perfect their rumble technique, the curriculum would be enlarged to include courses such as Street Fighting 101, Mugging 215, and Advanced Knifing and Reading Comprehension 490. These new classes would have a great deal of application in student life.

Allowing rowdy teenagers admittance to Ricks College would help lower unemployment in the town of Rexburg. A greatly enlarged police force would be needed to help control the many campus squabbles. Custodians would have jobs replacing broken windows and repairing damaged fixtures. Hospital workers, morticians, and casket makers would be in great demand after each rumble. And the newspapers would need more reporters to cover all the riot stories.

Yes, it will be a great day indeed, when Ricks College lowers its standards to a new level.

Teachers Notes: The only problem I can see, Bill, is that you are rather heavy-handed in the middle of the first paragraph. Otherwise, the sarcasm would do Swift credit in his student days. Grade: A

Rewritten to be read as a talk – BYU Standards – Satire

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The chances of having an enjoyable time while attending Brigham Young University are slim or nil or worse than that because of all the strict standards.

The BYU standards are so strict that only a select few can attend the university which is not fair to others who might want to attend, such as greasers and junkies. The standards raise the cost of attending school. Haircuts for guys are expensive. Dress pants for girls cost a lot more than casual clothing. High standards also contribute to making school a boring and even embarrassing way of life. All fun activities are banned. You have to choose between being good and having fun.

Guys resort to corny pick-up lines to take the boredom out of a date and to make things more exciting. Many guys sue the if-I-told-you-that-you-have-a-sexy body-would-you-hold-it-against-me? routine. Some guys try to sit on a girls lap and say, “Would you like to hold the priesthood?” And at least one wacko has tried to popularize the I-went-to-South-Africa-on-my-mission-wanna-see my-elephant imitation?

Going back to your hometown for holidays brings nothing but embarrassment. Dates back home wonder why you won’t kiss on the first date and you have to explain that your religion teacher said that nine out of ten people surveyed who kiss on the first date, later develop polio of the lips. Girls back home wonder why guys have ears that stick out so much and the guys have to explain about haircuts at the Wilkinson Center Barbershop. Facial hair (like beards and mustaches) is discouraged. It’s rumored that eyebrows may have to be shaved off.

High standards also cause unemployment. Students are not inclined to go around damaging things on campus which means fewer custodial jobs. Places that offer “real” fun would create new jobs, but at this time, fun things are taboo at BYU.

Lowing standards at BYU would bring many benefits to student life and to Provo, Utah, as a whole. People from different backgrounds, such as street gangs, hippies, and junkies would be able to attend BYU and their presence would greatly enhance lifestyles and experiences on campus.

Lowering BYU standards would help end the high cost of higher education. For guys’ haircuts, the once-a-week-four-dollar-a-shot-BYU-barbershop-white-wall special would be reduced to a once-a-year-four-dollar-a-shot-BYU-barbershop-trim-your-ponytail-or-split-ends special which amounts to an annual savings of $204. Or a 98 percent savings! Research shows that the average hippie take a bath once a month, whether he needs it or not, which saves on soap, shampoo, and water bills.

Apartment costs would be radically reduced. With a communal life permissible, as many as thirty students could share a one bedroom apartment, sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor, which would mean that the average rent per student would be a whopping $5 per month! Body heat from so many people would mean lower heating costs.

The high cost of bus fares and gasoline for cars would not be noticed because they would not be used. Just one snort of some Cougar Magic White Dust, which of course would be available at the bookstore and in all vending machines, would get you high enough to fly to school in the morning and back home again after classes, for a full week! Efficiency ratings are estimated to be 89 miles per snort. Of course highway ratings are higher, as much as 113 miles per snort. Your actual ratings may vary depending upon your flying habits. Cougar Magic White Dust snort “pooling” would save even more money.

In addition to lowering the cost of living, there would be much more excitement on campus, due mostly to the presence of rowdier students. Just think of the exhilaration of in-between-class rumbles and gang fights. Intramural brawls would fit right in with the current basketball and football programs. The curriculum could be expanded to include: Knifing 111, Mugging 210, Advanced Rumble Techniques and Reading Comprehension 490 (required to be taken as a senior). These classes would, of course, meld nicely into the General Education program.

Still another great benefit would be increased employment opportunities. There would be many new job openings for police to control the riots, theft, and vandalism. More custodians would be needed to repair broken windows, damaged fixtures, and flooded toilets.

Heavy-equipment operators would be needed to maneuver snow shovels to scoop up the bodies after each rumble. Doctors would be in great demand to mend the broken bones from said rumbles. Morticians would be needed to embalm those who didn’t survive the fights, probably because they didn’t pay close attention in Knifing 111 and Advanced Rumble Techniques and Reading Comprehension 490. Grave diggers would have plenty of work burying the aforementioned corpses. Newspaper reporters would be busy covering all the riot stories.

Yes, Brigham Young University will be a much better place to attend college when the standards are lowered to a reasonable level!

Shel Silverstein

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Kids in a Tub

 

There are too many kids in this tub,

There are too many elbows to scrub,

I just washed a behind

That I’m sure wasn’t mine.

There are too many kids in this tub.

Little Bo-peep – Mad Magazine

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Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep

And thinks they may be roaming;

They haven’t fled;

They’ve all dropped dead

From nerve gas in Wyoming!

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