Fire Building 401: A Brief Course on Building Fires Without Burning Yourself or Others

Note: This is not a college 101 course for first-year students. This is a 401 course for serious seniors meaning it’s difficult and is reserved for those who are schooled enough to understand or willing enough to learn.

This document includes a brief, but important summary on how to build campfires and fires in a fireplace. I suggest you read it all, even if you only know how to flip a switch to light your fireplace with natural gas. I won’t explain how to relight your gas fireplace’s pilot light when it goes out, except to say it requires three and a half hours and a lot of grunts, groans, and cursing as you try to remove a lower covering and then try to get a flame, 14 inches into the bowels of the fireplace, past tubes, wires, and other intentional obstacles placed there by a few  engineers in design who like to get a laugh at the users’ expensive.

More importantly, read this entire document because it includes critical concepts on how not to burn yourself or others, especially spouses, children, siblings, and other family members, as well as structures, literally and more importantly, figuratively. Hopefully, you will avoid figuratively burning anyone for any reason, or literally, for that matter. Please note that a figurative burn hurts way more than a literal burn and the figurative burn burns for a much longer time.

A Few Fire Building Concepts

For about six years I was a Boy Scout and earned the Eagle Scout rank with thirty-six merit badges. Those are my credentials for writing about fire building. There is not a scout merit badge or an award for building campfires, but it is a requirement for the second-class scout award: “Use the tools listed in requirement 2c (i.e. knife, saw, and ax) to prepare tinder, kindling, and fuel for a cooking fire. 2e, Demonstrate how to light a fire and a lightweight cooking stove.” (see Boy Scouts of America handbook). Notice that most Boy Scout fires are supposed to be “cooking” fires, while in fact, they make up a small minority of Boy Scout fires.

My only credentials for writing anything about marriage and family are that I’ve been married to my best friend for thirty-three years, we together have raised one amazing daughter and three amazing sons all of whom married equally amazing wives/husband, we have thirteen (almost fourteen) extremely cute grandchildren as of June 2012, and finally, I’ve made 46.7 million mistakes in the home, but I have learned from 988 of those mistakes. And I asked forgiveness for the rest.

Boy scouts get lots of practice building fires at scout camp and at monthly campouts. Most of the fires are completely unsupervised by adult leaders (but occasionally the adults participate and even adds their experience and expertise), are totally inappropriate because gasoline was never meant to help boy scouts start campfires, and are extremely dangerous. Boy scouts, and all males generally, should never ever ever be allowed to use gasoline under any circumstances, except for refueling a gasoline-powered vehicle even when properly licensed by the state, and even that maybe should be supervised by a woman. Remember, the memorized scout law says, “A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent” (see memory of William E. Ross III or the Boy Scout handbook). Notice, the scout law does not specify that a scout (and men in general) is necessarily “safe.” That is why automobile insurance companies charge considerably more for young, male drivers – under age twenty-five they get a double-whammy premium for being young and male! A friend of mine who is an emergency room medical doctor said that 95 percent of the ER visits are the result of three chemicals: alcohol, gasoline, and testosterone. Kind of interesting, huh?

And, by the way, you never ever ever tell your mom about all dangerous, unauthorized scout activities, most of which include dizzying heights and/or (mostly and) gasoline-based fires, until after you are no longer a boy scout. Otherwise, your mom would never let you go on another scout campout. “What happens at scout camp, stays at scout camp!” (See scout handbook – actually, it’s not there, but it should be).

Now, just a little helpful advice before we start building fires.

In the outdoors, lighter fluid helps start a blaze much quicker than just paper, and gasoline is even better. Never use these “igniters” indoors, as a scout or as an adult male! Gasoline is simply never safe for indoor fireplaces under any circumstances. You may not only burn yourself, but you can also burn the entire structure down. I came close to burning down our cabin by using gasoline in the fireplace as an adult male which is why my wife made me switch to lighter fluid, and then, after still nearly sending the cabin up in flames, she rightly insisted that I switch to paper only, which is what the scout handbook recommends anyway, or tender. I tried to explain to TerriLu that I knew what I was doing because I had been a Boy Scout for six years and I earned the Eagle Scout award with thirty-six merit badges, but she overruled me anyway. Sheesh, I didn’t end up burning it down completely.

As young boy scouts, one of our favorite gasoline-campfire activities was to first build a small campfire using any method described soon in this article. Once the flames were well established, we would drop an eight-ounce Styrofoam cup filled with gasoline directly onto the fire. I say “drop” because you learn very quickly not to “pour” gasoline onto the existing fire because the gas is so flammable that the fire instantly climbs up the stream of gas pouring out of the cup and thus to the hand that is holding said cup.

While the “pouring” gas was funnier for the onlookers to observe, it was actually a bit more exciting to just “drop” the cup of gasoline from about six feet (with my “vertically-challenged status, six feet was all the higher I could reach) above the fire because, if you recall your science studies from high school, a dropped object increases in speed as it falls due to the pull of gravity, and the higher the height from which you drop the cup of gas, the greater the amount of time you have to get away from the imminent explosion.

Height is very important because dropping the cup of gas from six feet gives you approximately .357 seconds (a little over a third of a second and yes, almost as deadly as a .357 Magnum handgun in the wrong hands) to run for your life, literally, before the cup of gas hits the fire. As you are about to learn, this particular fire game may have led to the saying, “When the ‘poop’ hits the fan” because when the cup of gas hits the fire, the gas splashes out and the resulting fire ball/mushroom cloud can reach as high as fifteen feet and is usually about three feet in diameter at the base.

Now, just a few pointed points at this point (pun intended). Six feet is the minimum drop height because you really need more than the .357-second time to flee the explosion, but the six-foot height is close enough for unofficial scouting experiments, if you can run fast. If you can’t run fast, then the other scouts who are observing and waiting for their turn, will simply enjoy your plight and your burning clothes.

Using a ladder or standing on another scout’s shoulders or building a pyramid out of the entire scout troop in order to drop the cup of gas from a higher height may sound like a good way to increase the drop height, but it really just complicates things. That is, with a ladder or on the shoulders or in pyramid, no one can get away fast enough so you will all get burned more than when one scout simply drops the cup from six feet. Also, while the increased height increases the size and height of the explosion, it means someone could get more seriously burned than when dropping the cup from six feet and there’s a good chance you will. But that’s a chance most scouts are willing to take, at least once, maybe as a rite of passage.

Having said that, if the campsite has a handy sandy beach (the rhyme is intended) with minimal trees nearby here’s a great way to get the bigger explosion without the risk of burning down a forest.  (By the way, starting a forest fire is not a legal activity, scouting or otherwise). Rather than dropping the cup of gas from above the fire, you can carefully practice “tossing” the cup into the fire from a distance of five feet. I say “practice” because the idea is to toss the cup so it pretty much remains in a vertical position throughout its flight, thus allowing the cup to hold most of the gas until the point of impact. Also, if tossed properly, tossing the cup allows you to get the cup up above the standard six-foot-drop height, thus producing a larger fire ball/mushroom cloud. It may take a lot of practice and a lot of gasoline and some singed hair and clothing, but when you get it just right, it’s simply splendid.

A simple, obvious alternative method that produces a bigger explosion is to use a twelve-ounce cup of gasoline instead of the standard eight-ounce cup. Even from the six-foot-height drop, the fire ball/mushroom cloud can reach twenty feet high! Getting away is critical. I suggest you first practice with the eight-ounce cup until you know how fast you can scramble with gasoline on your fingers.

Remember, never ever ever use gasoline with campfires, outdoors or indoors!

The reason for “tossing” gasoline cups only on a sandy or rocky beach is important. If the cup does not stay vertical and some or all of the gasoline spills, the fire pretty much goes horizontal instead of vertical so you need at least that five-foot distance from the base of the fire. Twelve-ounce gasoline cup tossing is highly discouraged to the unskilled, unpracticed scout. However, when you toss twelve-ounce cups of gas, may I suggest that you stand seven feet from the fire pit.

I should but won’t discuss how boy scouts typically extinguish fires prior to leaving camp. It involves water, sort of, but the fluid has passed first through the kidneys and bladder and the urethra and the… Well, you get the picture.

Building Outdoor and Indoor Fires

So let’s learn a little something about actually building outdoor campfires and fires in old-fashioned fireplaces since that’s where we supposedly started.

There are 47 specific ways to build a proper fire, but I’ll limit this dialogue to only three: the Lean-To, the Tee-Pee, and my personal favorite, the Log-Cabin. The Lean-To takes nine minutes to build and get the fire to a roaring inferno. The Tee-Pee takes fourteen minutes to accomplish the same. The Log-Cabin model requires twenty-six minutes with most of the time used for the construction process.

Lean-To Method: The Lean-To is quite simple. Place a large log in the fire pit or in the fireplace. Put an ample amount of crunched-up paper alongside the log. Four or five pieces or standard 8.5×11-inch paper should do nicely. Two crumpled newspaper pages will also suffice and older newspaper that is dried out a bit burns faster than fresh newspaper. Next, lean ten dry kindling sticks against the big log with the paper under the sticks. Now, simply light the paper, preferable at both ends of the Lean-To. As the sticks start to burn, coax the fire along by blowing gently on the sticks. They are not candlesticks so don’t blow them out. As the fire burns, lean some larger dry sticks against the log and after a few minutes lean larger and larger sticks against the big log, and presto you have a fire without using PrestoLogs.

Tee-Pee Method: The Tee-Pee essentially looks like a Native American Tee-Pee or cone-shaped tent and requires a bit more skill and time than the Lean-To because you have to lean the kindling sticks against each other which can be a little tricky. It definitely requires two or three hands. You use the same ten dry, kindling sticks that are used in with the Lean-To, unless you already burned them with the Lean-To. In that case, just find ten new dry sticks. You must use one hand to hold the sticks in place while the other hand places the sticks against each other, leaning them to the center point where the first hand is holding everything together. Start by placing one or two crumpled papers on the ground or in the fireplace. Then lean one stick up and over the paper or kindling. As you hold the stick in place with the first hand, lean another stick in from the opposite side and then another and another until you have a nice Tee-Pee in a circle around the paper. Now you should be able to let go with the first hand. Light the paper and then add progressively larger sticks until you have a miniature bonfire. Scouts enjoy building real bonfires with big logs and lots of gasoline.

Log-Cabin Method: The Log-Cabin is just what it sounds like – a log cabin, in miniature, quite similar to a “Lincoln Log” cabin. (I think they still sell Lincoln Log sets and the “Lincoln” refers to President Abraham Lincoln who famously grew up in a simple log cabin in Illinois). Start again with two wads of paper. The log cabin is going to be built around the paper wads. Lay two ten-inch long sticks, parallel to each other on the two long sides of the paper. Lay two five-inch long sticks parallel to each other, but perpendicular to the ten-inch logs, on top of the two longer sticks. (Are you following this description? If not, just think of building a Lincoln-log cabin without the windows and the doors). Keep alternating the long and short parallel sticks until the walls are just above the wads of paper. Now light the paper on fire and then quickly lay some sticks on top of the walls to serve as a roof which actually burns before the walls. As the cabin burns down, add thicker sticks and finally real logs. Don’t be bothered that the log cabin does not maintain its shape for very long. It’s supposed to burn and the larger logs cover it anyway.

One final note: A little lighter fluid will insure that any of the three described fire-building methods will work every time. Gasoline provides additional insurance.

So you may ask, how does fire building tie into marriage?

When TerriLu and I got married, I discovered, to my horror, that TerriLu didn’t know any of the 47 licensed ways to build a fire. The TerriLu Method was atrocious. She would wad up five to ten pieces of newspaper and then throw them into the fireplace. Then she would toss a couple of medium-sized logs on, followed by two big logs. She would then light the paper in a couple of places and that was it. Total prep time: Two minutes. Within three minutes she had a blazing fire in the fireplace. Total elapsed time: Five minutes.

Appalling, isn’t it? As already explained, even the Lean-To requires nine minutes to build and get the fire going. Carelessly throwing crumpled paper and a few logs in the fireplace is no way to build a fire.

I tried to convince TerriLu that there were 47 certified ways to assemble and create a proper fire and her way wasn’t one of them. She suggested that now there were 48 ways. I explained that her way wasn’t even right. She explained that her way was actually more efficient because it only took five minutes from the time you toss the paper in until you have a roaring inferno. I countered that it wasn’t a nice way to build a fire. Well, things pretty much went downhill from there.

When TerriLu and I got married thirty-three years ago, I thought my role as the husband was to always be right and to help my bride to be more right too by always helping her to do things my way. Right out of the shoot, let me say that that is not a good strategy or approach to marriage. Please understand, I wasn’t trying to be mean—I just didn’t know any better. I was actually trying to help.

Why was my way always the right way? Well, I was an Eagle Scout as previously mentioned, I had more college credits, and I had a note from my mom that said was special. With all that accreditation I felt I was close to walking on water.

Growing up in my home, I was taught to fold bath towel in thirds so that the rough side edges didn’t show before hanging them on the towel rack. TerriLu learned to fold them in half and then hang them on the rack. I learned to vacuum the carpet in perfect rows so the wheels made nice and even tracks in sort of a “V” shape. TerriLu to vacuum pretty much the same way, but did not make the rows and Vs as perfect as required by some law somewhere. My mom showed me exactly where every item belonged in the refrigerator. TerriLu kind of put things wherever. Shirts are hung in the closet with the front side facing to the left. TerriLu wrong hung hers to the right (she still hangs her shirts to the right, but now I know it’s not wrong, merely different). Experimentally, not scientifically, I also determined that pants are hung as follows: The cuffs or bottom of the legs go “through” the hanger first from the correct side so that the waist portion hangs to the left. And most important is the toilet paper. It always must hang over the top, not underneath.

In the early years of our marriage, I tried desperately to educate TerriLu on all of these important marital issues plus many more things that I probably just made up. For years I felt superior to my wife in several areas. Today, I realize that I am at best a little better in only a few areas, like I can open the pickle jar when she can’t (I may be a little stronger), I earned more Boy Scout merit badges than she did (she wasn’t able to be Boy Scout in order to earn any merit badges), and I can drive a stick shift better than she can (actually, she can – she just prefers an automatic). And of course, my “superior” accomplishments have nothing at all to do with anything of importance and certainly not the things of eternity. In all the important things, I’m trying to keep up with TerriLu.

But I digress. Back to the now trivial toilet paper issue…

TerriLu constantly put the toilet paper on the roller upside down, with the paper rolling underneath instead of correctly over the top. TerriLu would open the wrapper and just carelessly put the roll on the roller. Then she’d pull at the paper and however it came out of the roll—over or under—that’s how she left it.

I grew up in a home where we learned to put the toilet paper roll on properly—always over the top, never underneath. I think we had family training on it. I knew my way had to be right because ergonomically it is easier on the wrist to unroll the paper going down rather than up. I believe I’ve read that unrolling the paper the wrong way is one of the leading causes of carpel-tunnel syndrome. Also, when I lived in South Africa we had maids, and I noticed the maids always put the roll on with the paper coming over the top. Finally, just look at all hotels—always over the top. The nice hotels even fold the corners up so it makes an arrow showing that it is supposed to go over the top correctly—clearly pointing the direction of the Bill Ross method. Statistically, TerriLu should have put the toilet paper roll upside down only half the time but I was sure she was purposely doing it the wrong way to bug me because she seemed to put it upside down the majority of the time.

I tried telling TerriLu that over the top was the right way, but she said either way was just fine. I told it was easier to roll down than up but she said she was equally skilled, up or down. I warned her about carpel-tunnel and she said there’s always surgery. I told her that the maids in South Africa couldn’t all be wrong, and she said they could be. I asked her to explain about the hotels and she said she didn’t have to. I even threatened to tell my mom on her and she said to go ahead. Actually, I didn’t expect her to call my bluff on that one. I tried to tell TerriLu that she shouldn’t leave something so vitally important to happenstance and she said she’d take her chances. And when I did mention this to my mom, she totally was on my side. I think Mom’s exact words were, “So what’s your problem, Bill?”

Try as I might, I could not make her put the toilet paper on the roller my way—she just continued with her hit-and-miss method. Since TerriLu wouldn’t do it my way, I did the only responsible and emotionally mature thing left to do – I gave her the silent treatment. Whenever she asked what was wrong, I gave the standard silent-treatment response: “Nothing. There’s nothing wrong.” And she was supposed to then read my mind to know that last Tuesday, four days ago she got the roll on the wrong way.

And here you can see one more of her significant deficiencies: she couldn’t read my mind.

Well, this went on for years. Yes, I’m ashamed to say, years. I never thought to just ask her nicely to do it my way as a favor to me—she probably would have been happy to do it my way, especially if it would amount to at least thirty-seven fewer days of the silent treatment every year. Eventually, I just gave up trying to make her do it my way. It was too much work trying to change her and too much energy to give the silent treatment properly. It was just easier to turn the roll over myself.

In TerriLu’s defense, she does actually know that it’s easier to roll upwards rather than downward. That’s especially important and better with small children who love to spin the toilet paper until it’s all in a heap on the floor. This was a trick she learned while getting her Early Childhood Education degree.

I felt that I had very minor weaknesses, while TerriLu had some serious character flaws. Mine were just little things, like I sulked, felt sorry for myself, gave the silent treatment, and didn’t listen very well. Almost trivial indiscretions, especially when compared with TerriLu’s far more egregious faults. Like, she didn’t arrange items in the refrigerator the way I liked them, she didn’t hang shirts in the closet facing to the left, she didn’t fold bath towels the right way, she didn’t vacuum the carpet properly, she didn’t make fires using one of the 47 established methods, and worst of all, was the toilet paper coming out under the roll.

After some tough years, I had a life-altering change in attitude. An epiphany. Inspiration—perhaps even revelation. I gained two new perspectives that I think are great keys to happiness and harmony in the home, especially in a marriage.

First, I realized that my way was not the right way – it was just my way; and her way wasn’t the wrong way – it was just her way. It’s not a question of right or wrong – just different. And that applies to just about every other difference of opinion in marriage – they are just differences, not right or wrong.

I found that when I began to see things as just differences, I began to accept those differences. Then I learned to appreciate the differences. And now I cherish the differences. What a boring world it would be if we were all the same.

The second bit of inspiration that came to me was what a sad day it would be if TerriLu were taken and I were left all alone…to be master of the toilet paper roll, making sure it went on correctly the first time, every time. I’d rather have her right here with me.

So today with new perspective, when I find a new roll upside down, I just smile to myself, and I’m grateful for this simple reminder that TerriLu is still part of my life. It reminds me that I love her and I’m so glad she’s still here with me…and then I turn the roll over – because it’s still the right way. But I smile about it because I’m truly happy for the reminder.

Oh, I have to finish up using the fire-building analogy I was using…

So, like the toilet paper under the roll, I realized that while her fire-building method was not on the list of 47 accredited ways to build a fire, it was not wrong – it was just different. In fact, because of its overall efficiency (five minutes total from start to finish) I would argue that there are now 48 accredited ways to build a fire. And unlike flipping the toilet paper roll over, I never reached into the fire while it was burning to restructure it as a Lean-To, a Tee-Pee, or a Log-Cabin, for obvious reasons.

In your marriage, stop picking at the nits. Let ‘em go. They really, truly do not matter. Even the nits don’t like to be picked at, and neither does your spouse and neither do the other family members.

So, as Dieter F. Uchtdorf succinctly said in a two-word sermon, “Stop it!”

(Ensign magazine, May 2012, “The Merciful Obtain Mercy”, Dieter F. Uchtdorf, or at lds.org).

Treasures in Heaven – Part 5

Selfless Acts of Service – Additional Treasures in Heaven

I believe that there are additional treasures in heaven, besides having family relationships sealed in the temple of the Most High God by the Holy Spirit of promise. These treasures include the selfless acts of charity and service that we render to others, most of which can and should be rendered within our own homes. We must exude the love of Christ and demonstrate that love through our many selfless acts of service.

However, sometimes I think we are nicer to people outside our homes than we are to our families inside our homes. For example, how often do you yell at the people at the office? At work, how often do you jump to conclusions before hearing the details? How often do you tell people at work that they are overly sensitive about something you said? How often do you tell people at work that they are just feeling sorry for themselves? How often do you angrily speak to people at work?

I would venture to guess that if we treated people at the office the way we treat our families at home, we would quickly be out of work.

Why does it sometimes seem so difficult to serve and treat kindly those with whom we hope to spend eternity. Perhaps it’s because we get more recognition and praise at the office or at church.

A husband stayed at home with the kids one afternoon while his wife went to a PTA meeting. He decided to surprise her by cleaning the house so while she was gone he scoured and scrubbed and vacuumed and laundered. When his wife got home she didn’t say anything about the house. All evening long he kept waiting for some comment but there was nothing. Finally, feeling very unappreciated, overlooked, neglected, and a little angry, he confronted her. “I worked all afternoon cleaning the house and you didn’t say thanks or even notice all my work.” She looked him straight in the eye and replied knowingly, yet unsympathetically, “Well, Dear, it’s kind of a thankless job, isn’t it?”

And it is, isn’t it?

During the first part of our marriage, when I would help around the house, I always had to point it out to Terri so she could then give me the strokes I needed. But I was very careful in how I said it so it wouldn’t sound like I was seeking recognition. Instead of just blurting out in the middle of a discussion, “Honey, I did the dishes last night” I would disguise my efforts by saying, “I noticed last night while doing the dishes that those cookie sheets hardly fit in the dishwasher. I’m surprised Whirlpool didn’t design that into their dishwasher.” And hopefully she would gush, “I noticed last night, while doing the dishes, that the cookie sheet barely fit in the dishwasher. I’m surprised the manufacturer didn’t take that into consideration when designing the dishwasher.” And then hopefully TerriLu would gush, “Oh, that’s right, Dear. I did notice you put in the cookie sheet and a fork and then started the dishwasher…without any dishwasher soap. Thank you so much for that Herculean effort which I hope didn’t cause you to overexert or injure yourself. That was so thoughtful of you…and what a sacrifice. I should write this up for the Church News and the Ensign magazine. You really are such a perfect husband.”

Now, if you do it to be recognized, if you are seeking the adulation and praise here on earth, it won’t be a treasure in. Remember, the Savior said that if you do it to be seen of others, you have your reward – you may as well not even do it. In my case, I just quit helping around the house. No! Actually, I just had to learn to do it out of love for my wife and not for the recognition.

I remember one time thinking to myself, “TerriLu never thanks me when I make the bed in the morning.” And then I realized I never thanked her when she made the bed, and she made it 99% of the time.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t express appreciation when someone serves us – we should. However, when we serve others, we shouldn’t serve to get the recognition on earth or we have our reward.

Why is it that on Mother’s Day, moms get breakfast in bed? You don’t have to make the meals or do the dishes or clean up the house. And the next day, it’s back to the same old grind for another 364 days, until next Mother’s Day. I don’t believe that’s how the Lord would have it. Husbands and wives and children all need to perform selfless acts of service for each other every day, not just once or twice a year.

By the way, why is it that it’s just normal if the mom takes care of things around the house, but it’s very thoughtful if the husband or the kids do it? Anytime the husband and wife are both home they should share the chores, from washing dishes to changing diapers, even the messy ones. That last part is easy for me to endorse since our little guy is out of diapers. Several of you moms may want to get your husbands on this program.

Savior’s acts of service which included healing the sick, counseling the downcast, and raising the dead, were rarely done by appointment or with great planning. Many encounters seemed to almost occur by accident. The Lord never said, “Hey, sorry, but I’ve got an important church meeting to attend.” Service was his work. He looked for and created opportunities to serve. And we should, too.

 

Elder Boyd K. Packer said that a man’s “first and foremost priesthood duty is to attend to his wife’s physical, emotional, intellectual, and cultural well-being, and her spiritual development” (Ensign, July 1989, p. 75).

As a side note, after rendering selfless acts of service within our own homes, we need to render them everywhere, starting with those we have been called to home teach and visit teach, and then neighbors and others.

The Savior said, “How great will be your joy [in the kingdom of my Father] if you should bring souls unto me” (D&C 18:15-16). Treasures in heaven include our efforts to bring others unto Christ so they can receive the blessings of baptism in the Lords’ church and then go to the temple of the Lord to be sealed together as families forever. That means we focus on sharing these eternal blessings with those who are not yet members of this church, those members who are not fully active, and those members who are not regularly attending the temple.

Conclusion

We must lay up for ourselves treasures in heaven, remembering that the most important work we will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes starting with improvements as a husband or wife, and then as a father or mother. We need to regularly perform selfless acts of service, first, within our homes, and then elsewhere, that we might truly lay up treasures in heaven.

Heavenly Father lives, Jesus is the Christ, and through His atonement we can become like Him. His work and his glory truly is to bring to pass our immortality and eternal life. I know that the most important work we can do to receive that greatest gift is the work we will do within the walls of our own homes.

Treasures in Heaven – Part 4

Knowledge and Intelligence – Pseudo Treasures

What other treasures can we lay up in heaven? Some people might say knowledge, intelligence, wisdom, and other great virtues. The Prophet said, “Whatever level of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection.” So are knowledge and education treasures in heaven? I think the Prophet meant that our earthly knowledge and experiences will remain with us when we die. If we inherit eternal life, the Father will bestow upon us all knowledge. Educational pursuits have some value in this life but they do not secure our place in the kingdom of God.

The great scholar, Hugh Nibley, said, “Look around you. Do you see anything that cannot be had for money? Is there anything here you couldn’t have if you were rich enough? Well, for one thing you may think you detect intelligence, integrity, character and other such noble qualities. But hold on! Those are the very things that employers are looking for – they bring top prices in the market place. Does their value in this world mean, then, that they have no value in the next world? It means exactly that: Such things have no price and command no salary in the Kingdom. You cannot bargain with them because they will be as common as the air around us. They are not negotiable in the Kingdom because there everybody possesses all of them in full measure. It is only in our world that they are valued for their scarcity” (BYU Address, 1981).

Now, I’m not saying to avoid educational pursuits. The Lord has said that “the glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth (D&C 93:36). He also said, “Seek ye diligently and teach one another words of wisdom; yea, seek ye out of the best books words of wisdom; seek learning, even by study and also by faith” (D&C 88:118, 109:7).

But what knowledge is most important to pursue? I believe we are to seek that knowledge which will bring us eternal life. The Lord said, “This is life eternal that they might know they the only true God and Jesus Christ whom thou hast sent” (John 17:3). The spiritual knowledge which builds our testimonies of the Father and the Son is the knowledge which leads to eternal life. And when we gain that knowledge we are to share it with our families and others that they might come to know the same truth.

Our careers and educational interests are important in this life, but we need to be cautious that they do not become more important than the work that should take place within the walls of our own homes.

Treasures in Heaven – Part 3

The Greatest Treasure – Eternal Families

In the family it’s not just important to have the position of mother or father – it is also vital that you be that person. In the home you cannot be so easily replaced. Home is where we are needed the most, yet often, we give the least.

And why does this sometimes occur? Why do people seem to give so much at work, and even at church, yet so little at home? Perhaps it’s because outside the home we get immediate recognition and rewards for our efforts, while at home we don’t.

But that is actually the key to laying up treasures in heaven – if the reward and recognition are on the earth, it’s an earthly treasure. If the reward and recognition are in heaven, it’s a treasure in heaven.

If you can put a monetary value on it or if you get paid for it or get recognition or rewarded for it in this life, then it is of this world – it is not a treasure in heaven. If it’s a treasure in heaven the recognition and reward will come after this life and will be much greater!

So what are those treasures in heaven?

The greatest treasure in heaven is to have your family with you for time and all eternity, which requires the sealing ordinance to be performed in the temple of the Lord. Indeed, living with Heavenly Father as a family is eternal life, the greatest of all the gifts of God. Incidentally, most of the other treasures laid up in heaven originate within the home.

Suppose you read the following in the employment section of the classified ads. “Wanted — motivated manager. Great personal growth opportunities. Must be able to work with several individuals each with varied talents and interests. Must have people skills, patience, and ability to solve problems. This is a long-term project with great benefits, and a retirement plan that is out of this world.” In the ad it sounds appealing. It actually makes a great description for a wife and mother and for a husband and  father. It sounds appealing and great in the work place but it should also sound appealing and great in the home.

I’m not saying our careers and church work are not important. I just think we need to be careful how we prioritize. Perhaps there are short periods of time and certain projects that require extra time away from home, but no one on his deathbed ever said, “I have only one regret. I wish I had spent more time at work.” If you don’t put in the time with your family here, you won’t have them in eternity.

Treasures in Heaven – Part 2

The Work Place

Somehow the adversary has convinced the world that our worth is somehow tied to our annual income, our business career, or some management position in the workplace. The world seems to associate greatness with the occupation and worldly success. I’ve got news for the world. I don’t care if you are the chief executive officer at IBM, chairman of the board at General Motors, or the president of the United States of America, but someday we are all going to die. We will all have a personal interview with the Savior and Redeemer of this world who sacrificed his life and blood for us. The question is, “What will you have done during your life that will have any worth in the eternities?”

I am certain that the Savior will not ask how many trophies you received in high school, what your grade point average was in college, how high you climbed the corporate ladder, what your net worth was, how many homes you sold during your real estate career, or how many employees you supervised. The only items that will mean anything to him will be the treasures you have laid up in heaven. In the Sermon on the Mount, the Savior said, “Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt… But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also (Matthew 6:19-21).

President David O. McKay said to a group of brethren, “Let me assure you, that someday you will have personal interview with the Savior himself. If you are interested, I will tell you the order in which he will ask you to account for your earthly responsibilities. First, he will request an accountability report about your relationship with your wife. Have you actively been engaged in making her happy and ensuring that her needs have been met as an individual? Second, he will want an accountability report about each of your children individually. He will not attempt to have this for simply a family stewardship but will request information about your relationship to each and every child. Third, he will want to know what you personally have done with the talents you were given in the pre-mortal existence. Fourth, he will want a summary of your activity in your Church assignments. He will not be necessarily interested in what assignments you have had, for in his eyes the home teacher and a mission president are probably equals, but he will request a summary of how you have been of service to your fellow man in your Church assignments. Fifth, he will have no interest in how you earned your living but if you were honest in all your dealings. Sixth, he will ask what you have done to contribute in a positive manner to your community, state, country, and the world.” (The Divine Center, Stephen R. Covey, Bookcraft, page 54). )

Notice that the first two priorities relate to the work within our homes.

For some reason many women and men find the work outside the home to be more rewarding and satisfying and enriching than the work inside the home. How easily we can lose the eternal perspective.

Several years ago Hewlett-Packard asked me to teach a five-day technical graphics class to a group of software engineers in Europe. It was cheaper for the company to send the teacher to the students in Geneva, Switzerland than to bring all of the students to the teacher in Boise, Idaho. It was a tough assignment but somebody had to do it. Under duress, I agreed to make the sacrifice and go.

It was quite glamorous and certainly exciting. My fellow employees thought I was quite lucky and privileged. They were perhaps even a little envious. I had to fly over almost a week early to set up for the class. I had a one-day lay-over in Copenhagen, a Saturday to spend in the Italian Alps, and some time driving the autobahn – a rather auspicious venture. And in Europe, the engineers thought I was the company expert on PSP software. Talk about recognition and glory.

Now it’s been over two decades since I taught that class. I doubt that those engineers give much thought to that week of training, if they can even remember taking the class, at all. I am absolutely certain that not a single one can remember the name of the instructor who at the time seemed so bright and knowledgeable.

So how’s that for a treasure in heaven? Certainly lots of recognition on earth. Some of you might even think, “Wow! What an experience!” But can you see how worthless it all is in the eternal scheme of things? Even the glamour and the glory on earth are short lived and soon forgotten. It’s definitely not a treasure in heaven.

In one of my jobs I called on a number of computer dealers in the Seattle area and in Alaska. I got to train them and advise them and take the managers out for lunches and fancy dinners and stuff like that. Some people might get the impression that those accounts really appreciated me and needed me. Maybe they did, but I could be replaced in a second. Within a week of the new guy coming on board, they were saying, “Bill Who?” They needed a person in that position but it’s not really important to them who that person is. Sometimes we think we are so vital to the company, so important to the cause, yet we are so wrong.

I don’t care if you’re an engineer and a lawyer and a rocket scientist and then on weekends you perform thoracic surgery, you can still be replaced. The work you do in those environments has little, if any, value in eternity. No one is so important in the work place that he or she cannot be replaced. Others could step in and take our place in a second and hardly even cause a hiccup in the process.

Incidentally, it’s not much different in the church. Regardless of the position we hold, we can be replaced. The position is usually not replaced – just the person in the position. The Lord eventually replaces all individuals in church positions, including the prophet. However, although the Lord releases men from serving as prophet, stake president, and bishop, he does not release them from their callings as husband and father. Likewise, the Lord releases women from callings in Primary, Young Women, and Relief Society, but he does not release them from the callings of wife and mother.

Treasures in Heaven – Part 1

The Lord stated, “This is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” (Moses 1:39).

I find it interesting that the work comes before the glory. Also, notice that the immortality portion is already taken care of because of the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Because of the Savior everyone born on this earth will be resurrected and receive a glorious and perfect body. Since the work of immortality is already taken care of, the only real work left is that which leads to eternal life, or life with our Father in Heaven. The Father reserves that gift and grace for those who accept and live the fulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Immortality is a wonderful gift from our Heavenly Father through his Son, but the Lord has said that eternal life is an even greater  gift. Indeed, it “is the greatest of all the gifts of God” (D&C 14:7).

Because the Lord accomplishes his work through us, his children on here on earth, we can paraphrase the scripture in Moses to express our responsibility by saying, “This is our work and our glory to help the Father bring to pass the eternal life of man.”

Now, the question is, “Which work will bring to pass eternal life?”

Is it church work? Busy work? Housework? Homework? Hard work? President Harold B. Lee said, “Remember always that the most important of the Lord’s work you and I will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes.” Incidentally, this admonition applies to both men and women and the work they do.

Sometimes we think the number one priority in the home is being a better parent when in fact it is being a better and more attentive  spouse. Elder L. Tom Perry said, “Brethren, your first and most responsible role in life and in the eternities is to be a righteous  husband.” (LDS Speaker’s Sourcebook, Aspen Books).

A few years ago, our son, Jonathan, married his sweetheart, Michelle, in the Boise Idaho Temple. Brother Ron Loveland was the temple sealer. He said that when he was called as a mission president in 1973, he attended mission president training in Salt Lake City. The prophet at the time, President Harold B. Lee, said to the new mission presidents, “You are mission presidents. This is a very sacred calling with tremendous responsibilities and trust. However, your most important calling is husband. Your second most important calling is father. Your third most important calling is mission president.” And if that wasn’t profound enough, he added, “If you ever get the priority of those three callings out of order, you will fail in all three callings.” Notice, you will fail in not just one, not  just as mission president, but in all three.

If that principle is true for mission presidents, then certainly it is true for our callings in the church. In my studies of the gospel, I have read about eternal marriage, eternal families, and eternal lives, but never eternal wards, eternal stakes, or eternal Sunday School presidents. Truly, as the prophets have said, the most important callings are in the home as husband and wife, father and mother.

A prophet has said, “The greatest thing a father can do for his children is to let them know and feel that he loves their mother.”

I want to mention the priorities we must have, as women and men, in order to inherit the great gift of eternal life, and to help others to do so as well. This applies to women and men alike.

No Service is Mundane or Unimportant (from 2007)

A few years ago the Boise Temple presidency held a fireside for all temple workers. President Coleman, second counselor in the temple
presidency, spoke about the importance of everyone who works at the temple: The groundskeepers, cafeteria dishwashers, laundry workers, and those with weak backs who bend down in pain to pick up a scrap of paper. All this sometimes unseen service is important. No service is insignificant.

And I believe that in some small way, the little acts of service are just as important as the seemingly more important callings in the
ward and stake. When he was sustained as our prophet in 1995, President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “We are all in this great endeavor
together. We are here to assist our Father in His work and His glory…. Your obligation is as serious in your sphere of responsibility as is my obligation in my sphere. No calling in this church is small or of little consequence.”

If that’s true in the temple and the prophet of the Lord agrees with it then that settles it: I believe it.

Take Bishop Hosac. He’s a big man. Like 6 feet 6 inches tall. You may not have noticed that before he was called as bishop, he was over
seven feet tall. But then he started feeling the weight on his shoulders of being bishop, and now he’s down by like six inches. I used to be 7 feet 3 inches tall. Yeah. I played for the Los Angeles Lakers for fifteen years – most valuable player in two championships. No, I’m just kidding – I played for the Utah Jazz. No, not there either. But I did used to be 7 feet 3 inches tall. That was back in high school when curly-haired people wore afros and mine made me about
7 foot 3.

When President Gary Walker called me as bishop I was actually 5 foot 8 inches and shrunk to 5 feet 6½ inches but that was due to
degenerative disc disease and other problems in my low back. Dr. Hajjar said he was going to make me a whole, new back with a bunch of metal parts and bone and chicken wire and duct tape. He’d give it a nice “S” shape and stretch out the bone segments so they wouldn’t press on the nerves causing all that pain in my legs. I asked if he could make me any taller and he said, maybe a little. I
asked if he could add about eight inches so I could be handsome, dark, and tall. He mumbled something about the only time I would ever be any of those three (i.e. tall, dark, or handsome) would be when Outer Darkness got well below 32 degrees Fahrenheit, in so many words. But now I digress by elaborating about my basketball days and my good looks.

The point is there’s a lot of weight on the shoulders of the bishop. It takes tons of work to run a ward, probably like maybe 500 tons a
month to run the entire ward. Now the bishop can’t do all that by himself. There are some things that only the bishop can do because he is the bishop. But there are many things he can delegate and that’s where the rest of us come in. By working all together in all the callings in the ward, we get the work of the Lord done—all 500 tons of it. And see that’s only about an average of a ton per member per month or about like 70 pounds a day of the Lord’s work.

And so we all have our different callings to help build up the Kingdom of God on the earth and they are all just as important as any other. Except for one clear exception. I have the humble privilege of teaching once or twice a month in the high priest group. To be
called a teacher in the high priest group is really a misnomer. I don’t really teach anything. How can you teach a group of men who have read all the scriptures once a year every year for the past fifty years of their lives? They’ve heard every General Conference in fifty years, and at least every five years in the last fifty years they have read Jesus the Christ, Articles of Faith, The Miracle of Forgiveness, and Faith Precedes the Miracle, which is really a miracle because that means they read some of those books before they were written. I’m trying to teach twenty-two men who already know practically everything there is to know about the gospel of Jesus Christ. And yhen on top of that, we let them cheat. We tell them ahead of time which lesson we’ll be on and give them the lesson manual so they can read it in advance. Or we tell them in advance what article out of the conference Ensign the lesson is about. So they come to priesthood knowing everything about the gospel and everything about your lesson. Now how are you supposed to teach anything at that point?

I simply carefully and prayerfully review a conference talk from the First Presidency or Quorum of the Twelve. I make a few highlights and a few points and I ask a few questions and then I sit back and learn from this venerable group of high priests with their years of wisdom and experience. If I ever tried to teach one wrong doctrine or some new doctrine they’d be all over me before I could call for help. What great men and what great insights. I love being a teacher and also a student because I always come away more enlightened,
edified, and uplifted from this great group of men.

I said that all callings are of equal importance. However, all these incredible Primary and Sunday School and Young Men and Young Women callings are way more important than teaching high priests. There’s not much I can teach these old sages of sages, but the rest of you are shaping the lives and thought patterns and testimonies of the future of the Church.

So we serve where we are called. Several years ago we lived near some dear friends that we are still close to today. She was called to
serve in the nursery and felt like that was the low-life of the ward callings. Unfortunately, she let her feelings spill over into her calling and those little two- and three-year olds felt it. We had a son in nursery at the time and on Saturday evening, when he could tell we were getting ready for the Sabbath, he would ask what tomorrow was. When we replied it would be Sunday, he would burst into tears and wail, “Oh, no! That means I have to go to Nursery.” He felt the hostility and negativity of our friend who worked in Nursery. It took
years of going to loving, happy, dedicated teachers in Sunbeams and Moonbeams and Starblasters before he really began enjoying Primary.

I have to confess that I have aspired to and unofficially usurped a small calling in the ward, but if I’m in trouble then I’m going to
blame Bishop Rogers because I’m just doing what he did. If I’m going down then he’s going down.

A few years ago, after a sacrament meeting, I noticed Bishop Rogers in the chapel quietly going through the rows picking up leftover
bulletins and organizing the hymnbooks. I thought that with all his responsibilities as bishop and all the hours he put in, he shouldn’t be cleaning up the chapel so I started doing it. I like to make sure that the hymnbooks are back in their holders. I look for scraps of paper and extra bulletins. I pick up Cheerios and cracker crumbs—sometimes there’s enough for a small meal. I am the unofficial second assistant chapel picker upper and hymnbook passer outer. It’s nothing grand or glorious but I like to think that every so often in the Sacrament meeting after ours, someone feels just a little bit more of the Spirit because the chapel is a little tidier. And that akes it worthwhile. Even if it just makes a tidier chapel, it’s still worth it because the anonymous service builds treasures in heaven.

Great service is often done behind the scenes with no outward recognition or reward. That’s exactly the kind of service that generates rewards and treasures in heaven where moth doth not corrupt.

Home teaching and visiting teaching results are never printed in the weekly bulletin. These visits go largely unnoticed by the
general church membership. But these are callings where we build up treasures in heaven.

I testify that the most important behind-the-scenes service is done in our very own homes. As we serve members of our homes with
persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, pure knowledge, without hypocrisy and guile, plus a little encouragement and a little recognition, we will create the building blocks that will be used to construct our mansions on high.

Are we more willing to serve in the seemingly more important callings that are seen by more people or are we just as eager and willing to serve in the seemingly mundane, behind-the-scenes callings? If we only want the public service, then I’m a concerned that our mansions on high probably will face foreclosure and our treasures in heaven face an infestation of moths and rust and corruption, and the moth exterminators and the rust-control angels will have closed their businesses.

Some service is just simply public and there’s nothing you can do about it. President Hinckley can’t get away with anything without it
being seen of the entire church. But that is not why he serves. He serves because that is where he has been called to serve.

Do we do it to serve others or to be seen of others? Our intention or motivation very much determines the reward in heaven, or lack
thereof. Our motivation should be to serve not to be seen.

We don’t need to hope for a special calling that will then allow us to serve at some special level or put us on a fast track to eternal
life.

I believe that the simple acts of service, many of which are in our homes and in the homes of those we home teach are the most important callings and acts of service we can perform. These often unrecognized and unheralded acts of service are truly the acts of service the Saviour referred to when he said, “Lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt…” (Matthew 6:19-20). These are truly the building blocks that are being used to build our mansions on high in the Celestial Kingdom.

The small and seemingly mundane acts of service are just as important as the great and obvious acts of service and they both count the same towards treasures in heaven and mansions on high.

David O. McKay said, “I suppose the mission president and the home teacher are equal in the eyes of the Lord.” (The Divine Center, Stephan R. Covey, page ).

Consider the widow’s mite. “And there came a certain poor widow, and she threw in two mites, which make a farthing. And [Jesus] called unto him his disciples, and saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, That this poor widow hath cast more in, than all they which have cast into the treasury. For all they did cast in of their abundance; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living” (Mark 12:42-44).

In my studies of the gospel, I have read about eternal marriage, eternal families, and eternal lives, but never eternal wards, eternal stakes, or eternal Sunday School presidents.

The acts of service in the home and in the temple are creating the building blocks for our mansions in the Kingdom. We are laying up in store treasures in heaven where moth and rust doth not corrupt. There’s not as much recognition as we get at church or at school or in the community, but it’s the service that really counts for something.

I don’t think showing self-control and self-restraint at work and at church and at school and with friends is a good enough. The real measure is: Can we do it at home with our families?

I agree fully with President J. Reuben Clark who when he was moved from first counselor in the First Presidency to second counselor and was asked if he felt he had been demoted, said that “it is not where we serve that is important, but how we serve in the Kingdom.”

The One

She stood across the ballroom floor
That first dance of the new college year,
Not made up with feigned appearances
But instead with sincere, radiating beauty and purity
From deep within.

“Would you like to dance?” I asked.
“Sure,” she cheerfully replied.
The blonde hair, the smile, and
The sparkle in her countenance
All caught my attention,

But it was her eyes,
The windows to the soul,
That revealed something more.

Somewhere behind her resplendent, blue eyes
I thought I recognized
A special friend I’d known before,
Long ago….
In a forgotten time and place.
Someone who I was now searching for.
Was it just wishful thinking?
Or was it something more?

Could she perhaps be The One?
The One I would choose in this life and
The One who would choose me?
The One with whom I would share
The rest of eternity?

On our first official date
I suavely and tactfully
Maneuvered the conversation
To the topic of the “goodnight kiss”
To determine the likelihood
Of sharing one that night.
Perhaps I’d have to wait
Until the second date.
But surely a kiss would help me know
If she could be The One.

“Oh,” she replied simply, sweetly, sincerely,
“The next person I kiss will be
The One that I will marry
In the temple of the Lord.”

Oh, I thought, is that so?
But that would be years from now.
Who would ever wait that long for just a simple kiss?
No.
Thank you.
Apparently you are not The One
I thought you might be.

And I moved on
As I had done before.
Yes, I continued searching to find one better
Than the last
As I had done before.

But for the first time in my search
I found no one better…
For she truly was the best.
Yet I still fretted and fussed
About having to wait
For just a goodnight kiss.

As I struggled to understand
The Spirit flooded my soul
With a simple, eternal truth
That set aside my pointless point of view,
It whispered simply:
“If she is The One…
Then she is worth the wait!”

For eons as intelligences
And then for eons as spirit children
We waited to obtain
Physical bodies on earth.

Friendships there
Were based only on the spiritual:
A far deeper and
More meaningful dimension.
There we knew and loved each other
Spiritually.
We enjoyed our sacred and spiritual friendship
And waited for the next step.

Our separation began
When she was born,
And it lasted 6,951 days,
Just barely over nineteen years,
Until that fateful Friday, September 3^rd,
When our eyes met again
On the college dance floor.

We waited this long
For anything physical.
So for a kiss
Surely I could wait a bit more.

So here on earth,
With no attempt to pursue
The physical affection,
Which comes naturally enough
With purity and innocence
When the time is right,
She and I renewed our sacred, spiritual friendship
With its genesis eons ago.

Here we loved again,
Not as sweethearts or lovers,
Not as girlfriend and boyfriend,
But as friends.
No, not just friends… best friends!
Like before!

We came to know each other again
Spiritually
Because the physical aspect,
Being dormant,
As it was in the life before,
Did not cloud the deeper, richer feelings
Of a spiritual love shared
By children of loving Heavenly Parents.

We shared that love then
Without physical bodies
And then renewed it here.
A sacred love everlasting,
A love that transcends
Differences and difficulties,
And waits patiently in this life,
Even for years on some things,
For understanding and acceptance that bring
The grand realization that
Although we are not perfect,
We are perfect for each other.

So our dates and our times together
Were filled with fun:
Riding horseback
Flying kites and flying a plane,
A haunted house, a Christmas dance,
A movie and pizza at Sober Society.
A talk on a stroll to the store,
Tying a quilt, and much more.

Sharing and caring,
Thoughts and dreams,
And an occasional hug,
But no kiss goodnight
Not even on the cheek.
Just on her hands:
Two on her left, four on her right.

And I came to understand and know
The profound and simple truth that
I did not need the kiss to know.
In fact, I learned that it’s saving the kiss,
Keeping it sacred and special,
That enables one to clearly discern and know
The richer love of the spirit.

Someone asked, “But without a kiss,
How do you know that you love each other.”
We smiled and answered in unison,
“That’s exactly how we know!”

On a wooded forest path
When the time was right,
I asked her to share
The rest of eternity with me.
We hugged…
And then we decided to seal this grand event
With a simple, sacred kiss.
And it sounds silly and corny
But to us it is a sweet and cherished moment…
We set up the camera to take a picture
So we would have a photograph
Of our first kiss…
And our second, to be sure.

We talked of the future
Of a cherished life and eternity together
As we did long ago,
When we first considered this possibility
In that other time and place;

A time and place not entirely forgotten,
Because the spirit within remembers
And allows the eyes and the heart
To unveil and reveal
People and moments
And feelings once shared,
To those who seek
The One…

The One to become
My eternal companion and equal partner.

The One
Who patiently waits for me to learn,
Who teaches me
That I might see
All things beautiful.

The One
Whose weaknesses I learn to overlook
While I overcome my own.
Whose needs I strive to meet.

And I learn to do unto her
Not as I would have it done unto me,
Which is good, but instead
As she would have it done unto her.

The One
With apparent differences that
I struggled at first to understand
But then learned to accept,
Then to appreciate and
Finally, to truly cherish with all my heart.

The One
Through whom I see the world
And who means the world to me.

Because of her
I learn to accept, not expect,
To look only for the good
For I surely will find what I seek,
To love, honor, and cherish her
Through all time
And throughout all eternity.

And yes,
Oh, yes,
More than definitely yes…
This One…was worth the wait!
_______________________________

Terri Lu:                         January 2004
With all my heart and soul
I love you!
I’m so grateful you are
The One.
You were truly worth the wait.
Bill                    (modified from December 1995)

P.S. And you’re still the cutest girl on campus!!

Differences in Marriage and in Life Part 2

Character Traits

People are different. Spouses are different. Too often we see these differences as weaknesses instead of just differences. In the list below we’ll compare some differences and show the strengths and weaknesses of each. We’ll compare the Extrovert to the Introvert, the Thinker to the Feeler, and the Closed-ended person to the Open-ended person. Keep in mind that each character trait has as many strengths as the character trait it is being compared to. In other words, both character traits are good – they are just different.

In too many marriages, people resent the differences in their spouse. If you carefully study the differences in your spouse, you can learn to accept the differences. If you humbly study the differences in your spouse, you can learn to embrace and eventually cherish the differences in your spouse. What a boring life it would be if we were all the same.

Extrovert (75% of the population)

Preferences:
    Sociability
    Gregarious
    Interaction
    External focus
    Breadth
    Multiple relationships
    Speak, then think

Strengths:
    Outgoing
    Sociable

Weaknesses: (as seen by the introvert)
    Loud and interrupting
    Redundant (say same 3x)
    Overbearing

Introvert (25% of the population)

Preferences:
    Space
    Reflective/thoughtful
    Concentration
    Internal focus
    Depth
    Limited relationships
    Think, then speak

Strengths:
    Good listener
    Says it once, clearly 

Weaknesses: (as seen by the extrovert)
    Quiet
    Reserved
    Aloof

Thinker (50% of the population) 

Preferences:
    Objective
    Firm-minded
    Firm
    Just
    Clarity
    Truthful

Strengths:
    Logical
    Rational 

Weaknesses: (as seen by the introvert)
    Cold/insensitive
    Heartless
    Impersonal/uncaring

Feeler (50% of the population)

Preferences:
    Subjective
    Fair-hearted
    Persuasive
    Humane
    Harmony
    Tactful

Strengths:
    Personal
    Warm

Weaknesses: (as seen by the introvert)
    Over emotional
    Irrational/illogical
    Weak/wishy-washy

Closed-ended (50% of the population)

Preferences:
    Planned
    Scheduled
    Deadline oriented
    Fixed/firm
    Closure
    Definite

Strengths:
    Decisive
    Organized

Weaknesses: (as seen by the introvert)
    Rigid
    Inflexible
    Hasty decisions

Open-ended (50% of the population)

Preferences:
    Open-ended
    Spontaneous
    Option oriented
    Flexible
    Openness
    Tentative

Strengths:
    Flexible
    Adaptive 

Weaknesses: (as seen by the introvert)
    Indecisive
    Procrastinating
    Aimless

Differences in Marriage and Life Part 1

This is a short discussion on differences in men and women, and actually, differences in people generally.

It helps to know that others are probably struggling with the same things you are. In Gordon B. Hinckley’s biography, Emma Marr Petersen, wife of Mark E. Petersen, warned Sister Hinckley that the first ten years would be the hardest. Sister Hinckley later said, “I was just sure the first ten years would be bliss. But during our first year together I discovered she was dead right! There were a lot of adjustments…. I cried into my pillow now and again. The problems were almost always related to learning to live on someone else’s schedule and to do things someone else’s way. We loved each other, there was no doubt about that. But we also had to get used to each other. I think every couple has to get used to each other.” (Go Forward With Faith–The Biography of Gordon B. Hinckley, Sheri L. Dew, p.118)

Joe J. Christensen said, “Occasionally we hear something like, ‘Why we have been married for fifty years, and we have never had a difference of opinion.’ If that is literally the case, then one of the partners is overly dominated by the other or, as someone said, is a stranger to the truth. Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better.”

It could also be the man was lying or he was forgetful or if somehow it were true, they had a terribly boring and uneventful fifty-year marriage.

At first we don’t even notice the differences. Then we see them, usually after we are married, and we resent them. We see them as right and wrong – my way is right and your way is wrong. If we study the differences we can understand them. Then we can accept them. Eventually, we can embrace and cherish them.

What is the golden rule? Do unto others as you would have it done unto you. That’s why husbands buy their wives shotguns and waders for their birthdays because that’s what they would want for themselves.

The Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have it done unto them. That’s harder. It requires empathy and looking at it from the other person’s perspective. It means we must understand our different needs and then meet the other’s needs.